Dear Matzav Inbox,

I would like to share an observation regarding shidduchim that I believe many in the community have noticed. This is not meant for everyone, and certainly not for those who put real thought into the shidduchim they suggest.

At the same time, there are cases where shidduchim are suggested without enough thought, or without really knowing the boy or the girl. Often, the person suggesting the idea does not actually know either side at all. For example, they may know the boy’s mother and the girl’s grandmother, and based on that limited connection, the shidduch is suggested. While well-intentioned, this often does not lead anywhere.

Many of us see that some ideas are clearly way out of the ballpark. I have also heard people say they took on a kabbalah to suggest one shidduch a day. While the desire to help is admirable, shidduchim are not daf yomi, and not everything works with a daily quota.

Beyond that, when too many unrealistic ideas are suggested, it can take away from the value of more serious shidduchim. It also takes up time and energy that could be better spent checking into good, solid ideas that actually have potential.

Before presenting a shidduch to an already overwhelmed parent, perhaps it would help to make two or three phone calls to people who actually know both the boy and the girl. A little checking can save a lot of unnecessary information, phone calls, and follow-ups.

This is not meant to discourage good shidduchim. If someone truly has a solid, well-thought-out idea, they should not hesitate to suggest it. Even if a person is not completely sure, but has done some basic checking and others who know the situation also feel it is a reasonable idea, it is certainly appropriate to suggest the shidduch. The point is simply not to suggest shidduchim as a way of checking off an item on a to-do list.

Shidduchim involve real people and real lives. A bit more seichel and a bit less pressure to “have an idea” can only help everyone involved.

Thank you for providing a platform for this discussion.

Sincerely,
A concerned member of the community

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