Dear Matzav Inbox,

I’m writing this with a heavy feeling, because it’s something a lot of people see and nobody wants to say out loud.

Somewhere along the way, lines got blurry. Very blurry.

It used to be understood — not written, not announced, just understood — that young married couples had gedarim. Not chumros, not weird rules. Just basic normal boundaries.

Today, it’s becoming normal to see young couples hanging out together way too casually, eating meals together, sitting around together for long stretches of time, sometimes late at night, sometimes with nobody else around. And everyone pretends it’s no big deal.

It is a big deal.

This isn’t about being paranoid or accusing anyone of anything. It’s about common sense. It’s about knowing human nature. It’s about recognizing that when you remove boundaries, things don’t magically stay safe because everyone has good intentions.

We didn’t grow up with this. Our parents didn’t grow up with this. There was a natural sense of distance, of respect, of “this isn’t for us.” Today it’s brushed off as being friendly, normal, modern, or “we’re all frum anyway.” Since when did frumkeit mean pretending we’re immune to reality?

What’s most disturbing is how defensive people get when this is brought up. As if pointing out a problem makes you the problem. As if asking for basic tznius is old-fashioned or extreme. מאז ומעולם, boundaries protected people. They didn’t suffocate them.

And let’s not fool ourselves. This doesn’t just affect the couples involved. It affects shalom bayis. It affects trust. It affects the atmosphere young families are building. Kids grow up seeing what’s normal. When everything is casual and mixed and unguarded, that becomes the standard.

No one is saying people can’t be friendly. No one is saying couples should live in isolation. But there’s a huge difference between normal interactions and hanging out at Shabbos seudos or an oneg Shabbos or on vacation like it’s a social club with zero awareness of what we’re risking.

We love to talk about יורדת הדורות. Maybe instead of blaming phones or the outside world, we should look at the things we quietly allowed inside and decided weren’t worth pushing back on.

Some things don’t need long speeches. They just need honesty. And courage to say: This isn’t how it’s supposed to look.

Signed,
C. L.

Formerly of Coventry

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