In what officials are calling a “return to our roots, but with better branding,” Lakewood Township announced Tuesday that it will be phasing out all local emergency services and replacing them with seasoned personnel imported directly from Williamsburg.

Township officials, speaking to TLS on condition of anonymity because they were “not authorized to reveal visionary brilliance ahead of schedule,” confirmed that police, fire, EMS, and even certain municipal departments would be replaced by “heritage-certified response units.”

Under the proposal, veteran members of Matzilei Eish, senior coordinators from Hatzolah of Williamsburg, and “several sanitation experts who instinctively know which side of the street the garbage really belongs on” would assume full operational control.

“Lakewood has grown tremendously,” one official told TLS while reviewing what appeared to be a map of Ocean County with arrows drawn exclusively toward Brooklyn. “And with that growth comes the need for emergency services that understand our community’s unique needs — like navigating double-parked minivans on a Friday afternoon without losing composure.”

According to sources who insisted on anonymity but were very eager to elaborate, the transition will occur in phases:

Phase 1: Replace police cruisers with unmarked minivans featuring tasteful emergency lights hidden behind tinted windows.
Phase 2: Introduce a 24-hour hot kugel command center to ensure responders remain adequately fueled.
Phase 3: Replace all sirens with a more culturally resonant system of rapid Yiddish announcements broadcast from rooftop loudspeakers.

Residents reportedly expressed cautious optimism.

“I mean, the response times are already impressive,” said one local man. “But imagine if the dispatcher also reminds you to bench licht on time.”

The imported units bring decades of experience responding to five-alarm structure fires, simultaneous simchas, and “mysterious electrical smells that turn out to be a crockpot,” officials told TLS.

In a particularly controversial move, the plan calls for rebranding the local fire department as “Matzilei Eish South,” with apparatus featuring hand-painted gold lettering and a strictly enforced policy that every emergency must include at least three walkie-talkies per responder, even if none of them are on the same channel.

Meanwhile, longtime members of Lakewood Police Department and Lakewood Fire District 1 were reportedly offered honorary roles as “traffic cone placement consultants.”

When asked whether outsourcing public safety to another state posed any logistical challenges, one township source laughed.

“If we can coordinate 14,000-person weddings with valet, we can coordinate mutual aid across the Hudson,” the official told TLS. “The tunnel is basically a very long driveway.”

At press time, officials were finalizing negotiations to import alternate-side parking enforcement specialists who can parallel park a 15-passenger van in a space legally designated for a bicycle.

A Freilichin Chodesh Adar.