I would like to share a personal experience in the hope that it may help someone else.

A few months ago, after being married for a couple of years, I went to speak with a Rav regarding a Shalom Bayis matter. Baruch Hashem, everything is okay today, but at the time I was looking for guidance on an issue that I felt was important.

Instead of leaving with clarity and reassurance, I left feeling deeply uncomfortable and honestly disgusted. During the conversation, I was asked questions that I felt had nothing to do with the issue I had come to discuss and that I found deeply personal and completely inappropriate. I walked out feeling shaken and regretting that I had gone.

I’m not writing this to attack anyone or to create controversy. My purpose is simply to encourage others to do their homework before seeking guidance from someone. Ask trusted friends, family members, or Rabbanim for recommendations. A little research beforehand can make a tremendous difference.

I also learned another important lesson. If someone – whether it’s a Rav, therapist, counselor, or any other professional – asks questions that make you genuinely uncomfortable or that don’t seem appropriate, don’t ignore that feeling. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your instincts. You always have the right to say you’re not comfortable, end the conversation, and seek guidance elsewhere.

There are many outstanding Rabbanim and professionals who help people with sensitivity, wisdom, and respect. Unfortunately, not every experience is a positive one. I wish I had been more careful before opening up about something so personal.

If this letter encourages even one person to do a little more research before seeking advice – or gives someone the confidence to trust their instincts when something doesn’t feel right – then sharing my experience will have been worthwhile.

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