By Rabbi YY Jacobson

Why Death?

The law in this week’s parsha concerning a wayward son seems absurd and horrific.

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey the voice of his father and the voice of his mother, and does not listen to them when they discipline him; then his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He does not obey our voice. He is a profligate and a drunkard.’ “Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.”

How are we to understand this Torah passage? First, are we to believe that parents would actually take up the Torah’s advice and have their son killed if he acts like a monster in his teens!

Can you imagine a Jewish mother sending her son to the High Court to be punished: “Here, Ben, I want you should take along these cookies I baked for you; and don’t forget to wear your cardigan; it gets cold in the death chamber.”

Besides, a death sentence for what? For eating meat and drinking wine? For stealing food? Isn’t this punishment excessive? He is only a 13-year-old kid? And did his offenses really merit capital punishment?

The Mishnah and Talmud, quoted in Rashi on our parsha, gives this answer: He is not being punished for his current sins. Rather, given his outrageous current behavior, the Torah testifies that it is inevitable that he will grow up to be a robber and murderer. So better to kill him now, before he murders other people and before he destroys his own soul. The patterns of his behavior demonstrate that he is doomed to a life of inevitable evil. Let him die an innocent man.

Yet this seems absurd. All of Judaism is based on the idea that even a sinner can repent. Certainly, a 13-year-old boy who is at this point not killing yet, certainly he may change his ways. How can we be certain that he will become a murderer?

An axiom in Judaism is, “Nothing stands in the way of Teshuvah.” The most evil Jewish king, Menashe, was accepted as a baal-teshuva. And here we say that a 13-year-old troubled boy is destined to grow into a monster? Why?

True, as the Talmud says, this story never happened nor will it happen. This Torah law is theory, not practical. But how are we to understand the law in theory? What is a lesson the Torah is trying to impart in this law?

Forgiveness

There is a beautiful answer given by the Shem Mishmuel, authored by Rabbi Shmuel Bornstein (1856-1926), the Rebbe of Sochotshov, Poland. (He was the son of the Avnei Nezer, Rabbi Avraham Borenstein, and grandson of the Kotzker Rebbe).

He raises one more question. The Talmud says that at any point, a wayward son whose parents forgive him is forgiven and not punished.

But wait. We don’t kill the boy because of what he did to his parents. We kill him, as the Talmud explains because the Torah testifies that he is destined to become a killer. So, what does it help that his parents forgive him?

The Holy Chain

The answer contains one of the most critical lessons for our day and age in terms of how parents and educators deal with children who are difficult, challenging, and often take us through the wringer.

Every child, even the greatest menace, is inherently holy and good, Divine and sacred. For each of them carries the genes of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov—each of them has a Jewish soul, which is eternally connected to the Divine.

To reveal that connection, a father and a mother must keep the bond with their children strong. When we sever our relationship with our children, even if we have good reason to do so, we deprive them of the ability to experience themselves as part of the golden, unbreakable chain from Avraham to this very day.

Says the Shem Mishmuel: When the son feels the love inherent in his parents’ willingness to forgive him, despite all of his misdeeds, this keeps him connected to his roots. And since his roots are so deep and sacred, there is now strong hope that he will find the ability to transform himself. If the parents do not forgive their child, they do not allow him to forgive himself and start his life anew. They ensure that he continues in his destructive path. Conversely, the moment they forgive him internally, the moment they can accept their child and love him despite his terrible and heartbreaking failures, they now allow him to discover his own spiritual power, which is deeper than all of his failings and trauma.

Never Disconnect

This is the great message the Torah is teaching us. Never ever disconnect from your child, even if it is not easy. Sometimes we are compelled to break the connection, to sever the bond, to alienate him or her. It is simply too painful to be in a relationship. But the Torah is telling us, this is the primary reason he will never be able to come back. You need to learn to forgive your children, to see the infinite light hidden in them, that light you saw in the child when he emerged from your womb as innocent and angelic as ever. Yes, there have been disappointments, perhaps betrayal, shame, and serious misdeeds. Your child is broken. So, what does he (or she) need to find the stamina to repair himself? He needs to be able to believe in his soul, in his future, in his goodness. How can we help him achieve that? If we can love him, if we can forgive him, if we can show him that he is not a worthless, helpless case, but a particle of the Divine, a ray of infinity, a fragment of G-d in this world.

Keeping him connected to the chain will allow him to see himself, ultimately, in the context of a 4,000-year chain, of which he is the next rung.