By Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack

Dear Rabbi and Shira , I’m feeling sad and unsure of how to proceed, and I’d appreciate some advice. For context, I got married a little less than a year ago. My husband is extremely extroverted and loves being around family and friends. Over the past year, our relationship has had its ups and downs, but thankfully, we’re now not fighting as much, and we both say that we feel closer to each other. However, one ongoing challenge has been how we spend Shabbos. My husband prefers going to his parents or anywhere with lots of guests and socializing. Since we got married, we’ve only spent about six Shabbosim alone in our apartment. He finds it too quiet and lonely to stay home, explaining that he grew up in a house where Shabbos was always lively, with lots of guests and people around. Without company or a relationship with our neighbors, he says it just doesn’t feel right to him. While I completely understand where he’s coming from, it’s hard not to take it personally. I feel as though he doesn’t—or maybe can’t—value quality time with just me. Today, we argued about what to do this coming Shabbos, and we both walked away from the conversation feeling unhappy and without a plan. How do I stop taking this personally?

~What to Do this Shabbos

Dear What to do this Shabbos, We’re sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. It can be very difficult when one of the parts of Judaism, and especially a weekly part becomes a point of conflict. Shabbos means a lot of things to each person. Some people like to spend Shabbos quietly, catching up from the hustle and bustle of the week. Others like to catch up with friends, neighbors and family. First, let’s discuss, is it possible to find a way to compromise? Maybe to have one meal with guests and spend the rest of the Shabbos quietly? Or find a way to have a Shabbos with the in-laws but with less people? A lot of times we think that our positions are diametrically opposed, but the truth is with a little ingenuity, and a can do spirit, we can find a way everyone can be happy.

It sounds like there is an emotional charge to your letter. We would ask you to think about times in your life that this reminds you of. Sometimes situations, while different, feel unpleasantly familiar. What were other times that brought up these feelings? How did you deal with it? Do you need more quiet time for yourself in general in life? What are different ways for you to be able to carve out time to spend the way you like it even when you are having a busy social shabbos? To your husband, you can ask, “what does being alone for shabbos bring up for you? What does it remind you of? How did you get through it?” Can you brainstorm ways with your husband to find ways that you both can be happy? One more angle to consider. Maybe something is happening when you are alone which he might be politely trying to avoid. Is there something happening when the both of you are alone which makes him feel weird? Is there something happening on the busy shabbos that really is setting you off? Have you tried spending Shabbos playing board games, or doing Gottman Love maps exercises, making sure that there is a lot of activity even without a lot of socialization?

We wish you hatzlacha in sorting out the Shabbos situation so you really can take advantage of the unique place it plays in Jewish Life!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack