Do you feel like you need to do a favor before you can ask for a favor?
In the past few months, your sister babysat your kids, baked a cake for your son’s birthday, and brought you a latte. You returned a pair of tights for her. You’ve been on the lookout for an opportunity to be there for her.
You hosted your niece seven times last year, she made one token offer — and you didn’t need a “phew!” emoji to register her relief when you declined. Even if part of you feels resentful, you may also be relieved that you’re the host, not the hosted.
Why do we keep score in relationships, and what does the invisible point system do for us?
It often feels very important to us to know exactly where we stand in a relationship. Who needs who more? Who invests more? Who sacrifices more?
Keeping track gives you a sense of security. Because if you owe someone, you never know when they’ll call it in. But if they owe you? You’re safe. You have money in the bank in case you need it later. You aren’t dependent on their willingness to help.
The score can also give you reassurance that you matter. If someone keeps showing up for you, investing in you, doing for you, you have tangible proof that you mean something to them.
Why do you need security in a relationship? Because if you’re reading this, you’re human. Humans are social beings who depend on each other. So it’s normal to worry that your needs won’t be met, that people won’t show up for you.
The point system is very elegant. You make deposits, storing up relational credit. You make as few withdrawals as possible, and you replenish the credits as soon as you can. If you know you have a big withdrawal on the horizon, you’ll try to earn as many credits as you can first, because the unspoken rule is: Never get into the minus.
It sounds cynical, but it’s actually a fascinating solution to insecurity.
If you feel unworthy of receiving just because, fairly normal fears can quickly escalate. Maybe you don’t really believe others will be there for you if you haven’t earned it first, so you’re at their mercy. They might not come through. So you’ll have to face challenges alone and unsupported. Which, in your imagination, ends up in your worst nightmare.
In other words, feeling undeserving can make you feel unsafe.
And if the solution is to be kind, helpful, and a carpool dream, why not? Go ahead, spread the sunshine and enjoy the acts of giving. Go make someone a tray of kugelettes.
But you may be paying a different kind of price. Because in order to stay ahead, you have to keep score. You always have to know the stats, so you don’t find yourself at a disadvantage. It can make the relationship more transactional, less connected. Instead of being in the relationship, you’re busy measuring it.
If you want to know your score on keeping score, ask yourself:
What happens when you’re in the minus? When you need someone to watch your baby while you wait for your child’s bus in the rain? When you need to ask for favors, knowing you may not be able to “pay it back”? Is it possible that others will help you and take care of you even if you haven’t “earned” it first?
If you can answer those honestly, two points.