By Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack

Good morning, Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack, I came across your article in The Jewish Views, and I was wondering if you’d perhaps be able to steer me in the right direction: I have cochlear implants to assist my hearing. Since starting shidduchim approximately a decade ago, nearly all of them have been one and done deals where the girls ended it off before I would have a say. This is despite doing the obvious: dressing my best, taking the girls to appropriate first date spots (mostly cafes), and having introductory conversations.

On the rare occasions that I did make a mistake, I was made aware of such as to prevent its repetition, otherwise, I’d receive the infamous “he’s not for me”, which really isn’t feedback at all. I’d appreciate your help. Thanks, Not for me

Dear “Not for me,” We’re sorry to hear that you’re having such difficulty. We consulted with a frum audiologist in the New York City area to help us with our response.

So first, the more hearing loss awareness grows this will hopefully be less of an issue; the more people who know someone with hearing loss realize they are just as lovable and uniquely capable as other people. As we say, it’s very important to be in conversation with a Shadchan, to explain that there are levels of hearing loss and functioning with implants and not everyone can be categorized the same. They need to know that Hearing loss is usually not part of a greater medical condition and does not affect intelligence. Many people wear implants and function beautifully with totally normal relationships and jobs.

It would be good to have a strong friend reference who can explain how you manage overall or if their disability even hinders them at all, so people don’t make worse assumptions. As well they should know that Ashkenazi jews are at a higher risk for being born with hearing loss since this is a recessive gene. Most babies with HL are born to normal hearing parents and also conversely because it’s recessive many people with HL give birth to children with normal hearing. Genetic testing can be attempted to figure out if the other party is a carrier and determine if this is even something to “worry” about or not.

You write that the shadchanim do not provide you with adequate feedback. If they cannot present reasonable feedback, then find other shadchanim who can. Finally, it’s important to keep in mind that the process of shidduchim can be difficult, and not everyone finds their match quickly. Every experience which we have is part of the road which leads us to becoming our completed selves.

You will meet a lot of people who are closed minded, or just not the right fit for you. In the end, you’ll meet the right one. We wish you hatzlacha on this journey, and encourage you to reach out again with further questions!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack