To The Editors of TLS,

I read last week’s letter, “How Are Families Supposed To Afford Seminary?”, and nodded the whole way through. I have five daughters. Two are married, one is in sem right now, and two are still to go. So I know the math.

But I want to point out the line in that letter that I think is the real answer: “If a girl doesn’t go, people ask why.” The writer said he hears that as a shadchan. I hear it as a mother, every single time.

Let’s be honest. Most of us aren’t paying $35,000 because we’re sure our daughter needs that particular year of growth. Many girls do grow tremendously, and I’m not knocking that chas v’shalom. But a big part of the pressure is that “which sem?” has become a line on the shidduch résumé. And as long as it is, prices will keep climbing, because the schools know we can’t say no.

We can change this, and it doesn’t take a takanah. It takes the people asking the questions.

To mothers of boys: when a name is redt, ask about the girl. Her middos, her family, how she treats people. Not just where she went.

To shadchanim: stop leading with the seminary. Lead with the person.

To parents of girls: if a seminary in Lakewood, a shorter program, or a year of working and learning is the right choice for your daughter and your bank account, make it with your head held high.

If enough of us stop treating the seminary name as a requirement, it will stop being one. And then maybe the price will follow.

With hope,
A Mother of Five Daughters

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