By Chaya Sora Jungreis-Gertzulin

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch…” Who can forget the scene from Fiddler, where Tzeitel, Hodel and Chava sing about the perfect match.

The Vilna Gaon teaches that the first time a specific word or concept appears in the Torah, it establishes its true essence and leaves us with a valuable life lesson. For insight on how to approach the shidduch process, we turn to this week’s parsha, Chayei Sora, where we find the first mention of one searching for an appropriate shidduch.

“And Avrohom was old, advanced in days, and HaShem blessed Avrohom ‘bakol’, with everything.” (Bereishis 24:1) Ibn Ezra comments that “bakol” encompasses wealth, honor, prestige and longevity. Radak explains that Avrohom had everything, there was little more he could ask for in life, except to see his beloved son married. Finding a suitable spouse was not merely another item on Avrohom’s bucket list. It was about the future of his family and the continuation of his legacy.

Additionally, Rashi teaches that the gematria of “bakol” is 52 (beis-2; kaf-20, lamed-30), the same as ‘ben’, son (beis-2; nun-50). To Avrohom, his “everything” was his son, Yitzchok. And now, that the years are passing, with Sora no longer alive, and Avrohom getting older, it was time to find a suitable shidduch for Yitzchok.

I am reminded of my own Zeide. To Zeide, each grandchild born after the Holocaust was the gift of life. As the oldest, Zeide was looking forward to having the nachas of seeing me married, the miracle of watching the generations continue. Just as Avrohom was concerned about Yitzchok’s future, Zeide was concerned about the future of his grandchildren.

And so, Zeide had a plan. Being that he was both a beloved rov and the family patriarch – not only to his immediate family, but to his extended family as well – he was invited to many simchos. Simchos, Zeide was happy to participate in, but he needed a driver. Zeide’s plan was that I drive and accompany him to all these special occasions. In Yiddish, he would lovingly introduce me, “Dus iz mein einekel, this is my grandchild, tochter fin Rebbetzin Esther, daughter of Rebbetzin Esther, mir zicht a shidduch, we are looking for a shidduch.”

Zeide’s plan worked. At a cousin’s bar mitzva, someone knew someone… that someone became my husband.

From the time of Avrohom Avinu, many have taken on the role of shadchan, hoping to make that perfect match. In this week’s parsha, Avrohom sends his trusted servant, Eliezer, on a mission to find a match for Yitzchok. He first makes Eliezer swear to only seek a bride from Choron, Avrohom’s home town. Even though Avrohom was living in Canaan, and influenced many there to believe in one G-d, he insisted on a girl from Choron. He understood that while ideologies can be taught, character traits are difficult to change. Avrohom knew that the future wife of Yitzchak would become an Eim B’Yisroel, a matriarch of the Jewish nation. A royal. He also knew the people of Choron, and recognized that they had the important traits of kindheartedness and graciousness. Just recently, I came across a survey that had amongst its questions, what qualities one prioritizes in selecting a spouse. The results were: good looks, personality, financial security, compatibility, sense of humor and honesty – in that order. I couldn’t help but wonder: Whatever happened to kindness? Where was the good heart? Avrohom Avinu taught us thousands of years ago that beyond all the other qualities one might seek, a kind and compassionate heart is essential. Eliezer understood that he was on an important mission. Upon his arrival to Choron, he turns to HaShem with tefilla. A prayer that HaShem show kindness to Avrohom be helping him succeed in his mission. We learn from Eliezer how important it is to daven to HaShem whenever we need clarity in our life pursuits. Eliezer comes up with a plan of his own to recognize a girl who embodies true kindness. “The girl… who says to me ‘drink and I will even give your camels to drink’… she is the one You have chosen for your servant Yitzchok.” (Bereishis 24:14) No sooner was his prayer finished, does he spot Rivka who was carrying a jug of water upon her shoulder. This was Eliezer’s cue. He approaches Rivka asking for some water from her jug.

The Chumash describes Rivka’s graciousness. “Va’tomer, sheh’say adoni, And she said, drink my master, va’timaheir, she quickly lowered her water pitcher… Va’yorotz, she ran again back to the well to draw more water for the camels.” (Bereishis/ Genesis 24:18-20).

Eliezer wasn’t simply looking for a girl who would give him a drink. He was looking for someone whose natural response to another person’s needs reflected the very character traits of Avrohom Avinu.

Rivka didn’t just perform an act of kindness. She performed it with enthusiasm, without hesitation, and beyond what was requested.

That is the distinction between doing a kindness and living a life of chesed. In last week’s parsha, we find an amazing similarity when Avrohom served the three angels who appeared in the guise of ordinary men. The parsha uses the same terms “va’yimaheir, and he hurried to the tent”, “v’el habokor rotz, and he ran to the cattle”, and once again, “va’yemaheir”, and he hurried to prepare the meat. (Bereishis 18:6-7) Eliezer saw in Rivka the midos, the character traits that Avrohom lived by. Traits that would make her the perfect wife for Yitzchok. She lived a life of chesed, and like Avrohom, performed acts of kindness with alacrity and enthusiasm.

Rivka not only provided water, but welcomed Eliezer to her parents’ home, offering him and his camels a place to rest and refresh. Rivka had a lev tov, a good heart. A life of being there for others, going out of her way to make people comfortable.

Eliezer prayed not only at the onset, when he needed HaShem’s help, but once he realized that his mission had succeeded, he also offered a prayer of gratitude. “Blessed be the G-d of my master Avrohom, who did not forsake His kindness and His truth…” (Bereishis/24:27) We learn in Pirkei Avos about Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai asking his students, “What is the good path in life to which a man should cling?”

Different students, different responses. One student, Rabbi Elazar ben Arach answered, “Lev tov – a good heart.” To which his teacher readily agreed. (Pirkei Avos 2:13) A good heart is important. Not only in marriage, but in all aspects of life. With family, work colleagues, friends and neighbors. A lev tov makes us sensitive to the needs of others, inspires us to reach out, and encourages us to go beyond what is expected. Perhaps this is the greatest lesson of the first shidduch in the Torah. Avrohom knew that the most important quality in the future wife of Yitzchok was not wealth, beauty or prestige, but a heart filled with kindness.

With a good heart, we can help each other overcome challenges. With kindness, we can achieve great things.