My daughter and I were recently discussing a book we were both reading. Though the beginning was admittedly a bit lackluster, I found as I read on that the story had begun to grip me. My daughter, still plowing her way through the early chapters, had to take it on faith that the story was worth pursuing. When, she wanted to know, would she actually start enjoying the book? I had no answer. All I knew was that, at some point, I’d come to care about the characters and enjoy the plot.

Which got me thinking about all the different kinds of stories that life holds, and how we sometimes need a little time, or a lot of time, to reach that sweet spot when it all starts coming together. The spot I like to call the tipping point.

Let’s take a trivial example. Say you’ve been raising, i.e. working to civilize, your child. One of your goals is to teach him basic table manners. For what feels like an endless string of breakfasts, lunches and suppers you remind him to eat with his mouth closed, use a fork instead of his fingers and apply a napkin in place of his sleeve. It feels as though your admonitions go in one ear and straight out the other…

…Until, one day, you suddenly realize that it’s been a while since the last time you had to say anything. Your uncivilized child has acquired the rudiments of table manners. Somewhere along the way, in the midst of all the hectic busy-ness of your time together, he’s mastered a new skill that will stay with him forever.

Sweet Spot

We can extrapolate from this relatively minor example to any number of life situations.

For instance, moving to a new place can be extremely discombobulating at the start. Everything and everyone is unfamiliar, which slows down your natural social responses and leaves you feeling hesitant. Every place has its own culture and its own way of doing things. For a time, maybe even a long time, as you learn the ropes, you continue to feel like a stranger in a strange land.

And then, one fine day, you realize that you’ve somehow crossed the hurdle and reached the sweet spot. Your status as a solitary, befuddled newcomer has gradually morphed into a new status as one who belongs. You know your way around now. There are people you recognize and say hello to, and others who you can call your friend. Your days of walking the tightrope of acclimatization are over. You’re safely past the tipping point.

When trying to acquire any new skill, you’re a struggling beginner until, suddenly, you’re not. Whether it’s learning how to drive, how to knit a sweater, or how to cook up a four-course gourmet meal, you start out in one place and end up in another.

At first, every step calls for intense concentration. Mistakes are made and unmade. Lessons are learned and painstakingly relearned. Then, somewhere along the way, the struggle disappears. Discomfort has turned to comfort. Astonishingly, what was once so unfamiliar has become second nature. You’ve arrived.

Getting to Know You

Forming a meaningful relationship with another person is a process that follows the same trajectory.

We set out as complete strangers, poised at the starting line of that mysterious proceeding known as “getting acquainted.” It doesn’t matter if the other person is a new co-worker, a potential friend, or the person you just stood under the chuppah with. The process is the same, with the only differences being the details and the degree of desired closeness involved.

At the beginning, every move is carefully thought out of fear of making a mistake. You’re not only unfamiliar with the other player; you may not even be that familiar with the game. In your eagerness to get where you want to be, there’s a tendency to overthink things. You second-guess yourself. Consciously or unconsciously, you gauge the other’s reactions and try to learn what pleases and displeases them. It’s an intriguing game, though also one which can be slightly nerve-wracking.

And then, sometimes without being able to put your finger on the exact time or place when the transition happened… you find that you’re there. You’ve climbed the hill of your aspirations and crested some invisible peak that has you coasting happily down the other side. The tipping point, instead of being a longed-for goal, is already behind you.

Sometimes this realization takes us by surprise. Other times, you know exactly where and when the change in the relationship took place. A special moment together, something shared, a conversation to bring the two of you to the next level.

That magical sweet spot that makes you forget you were ever strangers to one another.

Learning Curve

A person’s learning curve is the rate at which he or she picks up and assimilates new information. As any teacher knows, every student has his or her own curve. Some grasp new material at lightning speed while others require many repetitions. Some pupils thrive on a direct lecture while others do best when material is presented in different and creative ways.

Whatever the learning curve of the student in question, the teacher knows that a certain amount of patience is required in teaching them. Each at their own pace, they’ll take in the information and the messages she’s trying to impart. Each in accordance with their unique personality, they’ll absorb that information and those messages in a meaningful way.

There’s no better feeling than seeing the light bulb of comprehension illuminate a child’s face. For some, that precious moment comes almost immediately. For others, the process can take a comparatively long time. But whenever it happens, the teacher knows that all her efforts have been worthwhile. An internal tipping point has been reached and, as a result, the child’s understanding of the world is subtly different from what it was before.

We are all our own teachers. When we undertake to master a difficult field or work on eradicating a negative middah, the process may seem arduous at first. Even hopeless. As attempt after attempt to reach your goal fails, it’s tempting to lose heart. To settle for a state of ignorance or imperfection instead of continuing to strive.

If you persist like a devoted classroom teacher, you’ll one day stand in the shoes of that frustrated pupil who thought she’d never get it. Suddenly, what was so difficult to learn has become easier. All at once, that middah you thought you’d never get the best of has retreated. You’re not feeling nearly as angry or jealous or impatient as you once were. As a student, you’re happy. As your own teacher, you’re overjoyed.

While you may not yet have reached your ultimate goal, you’ve reached a goal: the sweet spot where the struggle finally seems winnable.

The tipping point where the worst is behind you, and golden victory just within your reach.