By anonymous
I’ve been in shidduchim for a while now. If you’re reading this and feeling tired, overwhelmed, or like everyone has an opinion about your life – I see you. This is what I’ve learned.
1. Trust your gut.
People will try to push you in many different directions. One person says X, another says Y. Your aunt says one thing, your friend says another, the shadchan says something else entirely.
You know yourself best. Trust how you feel. Trust what you want. Believe in yourself. Confidence!
Hashem gave you a neshama, a sechel, and an intuition for a reason. If something feels off, it probably is. If something feels right even if it doesn’t look perfect on paper, listen to that too. You are the one who has to live this life, not them.
2. If someone doesn’t answer or respond, consider it a “no, not shayach.”
It’s either the family or the shadchan who isn’t getting back to you. It’s not mentchlich at all, but it’s not your fault.
Honestly, we’re not 12 years old, and it’s important to communicate either way, even if something isn’t shayach. A simple “not for us right now” is basic derech eretz.
Just know Hashem is leading you and don’t feel desperate. Their silence says everything about them, nothing about your worth.
3. What’s meant to happen will happen. Hashem runs the world.
Stop trying so hard to please everyone. Straighten your hair, or get your makeup done, do your colors, what to wear, lose weight, or whatever. Everyone can offer opinions, but Hashem is the One who runs this world, not people.
Connect to Hashem. Live and love YOUR life. Don’t go away for the summer or push off a vacation just in case something comes up. Don’t put your life on hold. The right one will find you while you are living, not while you are anxiously waiting by the phone.
4. Be very picky. This is your LIFE.
Make sure you’re not being pushed, and that if you’re getting engaged, it’s YOUR choice.
Too many divorces are happening, even in our circles, and often people say they were pushed into it, or they felt they had to say yes because of their age, pressure, or because everyone said it was a great shidduch.
Don’t get engaged because you’re tired. Don’t get engaged because you feel like you’re getting older. Get engaged because you actually want to build a life with this person.
5. Be honest! Don’t hide or not disclose the truth.
If you’ve been to therapy or are on medication and things are getting serious, you need to say so. Please don’t hide it until you’re married and ruin someone’s life. It’s wrong according to Halacha and just ethically wrong on all levels.
Everything should be discussed honestly. From Mental health, family history, hashkafos, expectations about work, kids, shlichus, money – discuss it all. Honesty now saves heartbreak later.
6. Don’t do things you’re uncomfortable with.
Some people push mixed events, which can be great if it works, but if it’s not your hashkafa, don’t feel the need or pressure to go.
If you don’t feel comfortable going to a certain place, dressing a certain way to please a shadchan, or being in a certain environment – don’t. You don’t need to compromise on your Yiddishkeit to find your zivug.
Hashem knows what you need, and Hashem is the One who will orchestrate the right one. Not a party, not a system, not a person. Hashem.
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If you’re in this parsha too, you’re not alone. You will get married. Trust and believe in Hashem. Don’t compare your life to others. Live your best life because only you can.
May Hashem send the right shidduchim for everyone with clarity and ease.
