Dear Editor,

Many have already referred to the “seminary insanity.” However, there is something that is a far greater problem.

I write this not as someone on the sidelines.

Baruch Hashem, I have made eight weddings, with four more to go. I live in the greater New York metro area. Over the years, I have earned between $350,000 and $650,000 annually. Baruch Hashem, my parnassah has been very healthy. It appears that may even have helped with shidduchim.

The problem is that financial pressure from Shidduchim are becoming more extreme by the year. This primarily due to demands for support. It used to be 50/50 support from both sides for two years. Then it moved to three years. Then 100% rent placed on the girl’s side, plus covering the wedding. Now there are demands for five, seven, even eight years of rent (fully on the girl’s family!) with no participation from the other side for the wedding or even help with basic apartment setup.

And we are now seeing another layer of pressure: expectations that the young couple must go to Eretz Yisroel after marriage, or relocate to the boy’s hometown — with the financial burden once again falling heavily on the girl’s parents. Flights, shipping, setup costs, higher living expenses, and relocation expenses — all added onto an already overwhelming commitment.

But we also need to say something uncomfortable and clear: boys need to stop looking for money.

If a boy wants to learn for years, that is a beautiful and admirable choice. But then his own parents should be funding that decision — just as girls’ parents are expected to fund their daughters. Why has it become acceptable that one side carries the overwhelming majority of the financial burden while the other side makes demands?

Do people realize what that means in actual numbers?

The total (all in including setup and support) of a wedding in an average hall can easily total approximately $200,000 once you factor in the wedding itself, setting up the apartment, and years of support. That is before adding post-marriage relocation costs — whether to Eretz Yisroel or to the boy’s hometown.

Where exactly are families of girls supposed to get this money?

Baruch Hashem, I have a solid income. And even I look at these numbers and struggle to understand how they add up. What about families earning a fraction of that? What about those with many children? What about younger siblings waiting their turn?

We have created a system where income level quietly influences shidduchim — and where the girl’s family is expected to carry a wildly disproportionate burden. That is not sustainable. Parents are being crushed.

We need to stop this madness.

All wedding expenses (aside from personal gifts) and all support should be 50/50. Support should never exceed two years. Expectations of extended years of rent, one-sided wedding costs, and post-marriage relocation demands — whether to Eretz Yisroel or to the boy’s hometown — must stop. And if long-term learning is the goal, it should be funded by the boy’s family just as the girl’s family funds their responsibilities.

People are being crushed under expectations that keep inflating because no one is willing to say “enough.”

It is time for leadership to step in. It is time for clarity. And it is time to restore sanity before an entire generation collapses under financial pressure that never should have become normal.

STOP THIS MADNESS NOW.

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