Is post-abuse repair possible? Or will my entire life be one unending game of trying to evade you and everything and everyone else that comes with it? Of surviving, but not actually thriving?
But decades have passed, and life is short. The loss of its quality is not a small thing.
I tell her my idea.
“Why do you want to do this? Are you sure?”
No. I don’t want to. I strongly don’t want to. But I need to. It’s the right thing for me. I know it is. I trust myself on that.
And so, I invite you in for a session.
I scrunch myself small into the arm of the couch, fortifying myself with pillows. Please move his chair deep into the corner, far, far away from me.
“He looks scared,” she tells me.
Wait. Don’t let him in. I’m not ready. But I’ll never be ready.
I close my eyes. Breathe. Invite him into this space.
And with that, you enter.
I don’t look up. I can’t. I’m still scared of you. But I am no longer mad at you, only deeply sad and afraid.
I let you know how much it’s cost me. Who else I hold responsible in this. My respect for your past attempts to repair.
I am brave. I am kind. I am honest.
Then I listen.
I hear you speak, and I know you are as broken as I am.
There are centuries of pain to dig up and work through. But now is not the time.
You leave. I stay.
I look at her with gratitude, with relief.
“Do you feel the joy-pain I’m feeling?” she asks.
But no, I’m the picture of “okay.” I’m always okay. No one sees my pain, please. Least of all me. It might overtake me.
I make my way to my car, and there, in its familiar safety, I shed tears of frustration, disappointment, anger, deep, deep grief, and hope.
I know there’s an unending journey ahead, one that will take the duration of my lifetime and then some. And I also know that He appreciates process. That’s all He asks for.
And so, I embrace it too.
Repair. It is possible.
A Survivor
P.S. My message to anyone out there who has ever offended is:
All is not lost. There is a way back.
- Take full ownership of the destruction and pain you have caused.
- Feel remorse and express it.
- Make amends to your victim for the future.
You will bring healing to yourself, to your victim, and to the world.
We are Jews. We believe in teshuva. This is your moment.
Be strong.
Be courageous.
Be excruciatingly honest.
Come on, you can do it.
P.P.S. To any parent out there, I don’t wish what you and your children are going through on my worst enemy. I feel for you. Truly. Just as I do for my own parents and so many others.
Even less discussed than the topic of sexual abuse is the topic of reconciliation in appropriate circumstances post-abuse. I have only once heard this mentioned briefly on a public forum.
Know this: as a parent, whether your children are still minors or now adults, it is your responsibility to fix what broke under your protection.
I say that with care, with respect, and with a true understanding of this struggle.
Sexual abuse is not an issue that can be ignored or that will heal on its own. Your family will likely remain shattered, to everyone’s detriment, unless you step in as a parent and facilitate healing, as hard as that may be, beginning with your own work.
P.P.P.S. And to anyone out there who has been hurt in this way, I feel you. I know this pain. I’m in the trenches too.
Please don’t feel angry or pressured by the above. It was part of my journey, not necessarily for everyone.
If, though, reconciliation at any level is possible in your situation, I’ll say this: I wish it for people I love and care about, because I know how much empowerment and healing it brought to me.
This is true even though the level of reconciliation I have at this point is minimal.
It was one of the hardest things I initiated in my life, and also one of the most powerful.
It’s because I care that I’m saying this. It’s not spoken about enough. I didn’t even know reconciliation was an option until I pursued it myself out of desperation. It was so off my radar, I had no concept that such a choice existed.
It has to start becoming a viable option for people.
At the same time, know this: wherever your healing path takes you, you have my humble respect.
I’ve got your back.
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