It’s been quite a number of years since the “Shidduch Crisis” became a hot topic. I read all the articles, heard all the stories, but never thought it would affect me. Over the past bunch of years, many people have tried to come up with different solutions, but as it appears to me, those ideas were here today and gone tomorrow. Sadly, I have learnt recently I would not be spared. Not only would I not be spared, but that my crime of having a daughter would be used as a weapon to extort me.

Allow me to explain.

My daughter came back from seminary in June of 2025. After Succos, my wife and I took her to meet a few reputable shadchanim. All of them were very polite, asked her a few questions, and all ended off by saying something to the effect that when they would receive a yes from a boy, they would let us know.

A few months went by without a single phone call. I called all the shadchanim again, and they all politely told me that as soon as they would receive a yes for my daughter, they would let us know. After that, it was back to radio silence.

A week before Pesach, we got a call from a Shadchan that a boy had given a “yes” to our daughter. The Shadchan told us to let them know within 48 hours if we were interested, or the boy would move on. We felt bad calling people and taking an average of 30 minutes of their time a week before Pesach asking for information, but we really didn’t have a choice. We liked what we heard, and told the Shadchan we would like to move forward.

At this point, it was the week of Pesach, so the first date was set for the Sunday after Pesach, and we were all very excited.

Motzai Shabbos, less than 24 hours before the scheduled time for the date, the Shadchan called. She had a nervous edge in her voice, and she was speaking a little fast, so I knew something was wrong.

“Gut vuch Rabbi Fishman. The other side just wants me to go over a few details with you. Nothing out of the ordinary, just regular standard stuff, they just want to make sure we are clear.”

“I am listening,” I said. “Go ahead.”

Then off she went. “Support starts at $2,000 a month and is expected for 10 years. At the birth of each baby, support goes up $500 a month for each child. So for example, when the couple has 4 children IY”H, support will be $4,000 a month.”

I felt like dropping the phone. This couldn’t be real. My daughter had waited 6 months to get a date, and then less than 24 hours before the date, the boy’s side was making impossible demands of me.

There was no way I could make such a financial commitment while still having multiple teenage children and tuitions to pay.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “My daughter wants a boy who will learn. She understands the financial undertaking she is accepting on herself. She has a good job now, enough to support a young couple. She has a plan to advance her career and make a larger income so her husband can continue learning. Of course, if they are short, I will be glad to help out, but in no way can I commit or afford the numbers you are mentioning.”

She answered as follows. “Rabbi Fishman, you have to understand, your daughter wants a boy who will learn Leolam Va’ed. For every 10 boys who I have that will actually learn Leolam Va’ed, I have 100 girls or more saying they want a boy like that. It’s supply and demand, the only thing that makes sense for the boys who will learn Leolam Va’ed is for them to go out with girls whose fathers will understand the zchus they have, and be willing to support this life of Torah the couple wants.”

“But isn’t this extortion?” I asked her. “If the boy wants to learn, I’m sure he understands that the household is dependent on a single earner and willing to make certain sacrifices to live this lifestyle.”

She gave a nervous laugh. “Rabbi Fishman, I see you really don’t know how this works. Today’s couples don’t sacrifice. They need houses and cars just like everyone else. Your daughter wants Leolam Va’ed, so the way it works now is ‘TG’ gets Leolam Va’ed. No ‘TG,’ no Leolam Va’ed.”

“TG? What’s TG?” I asked her.

“You serious?!?” she exclaimed. “TG stands for Torah Gedula. The boys want to learn, but life costs. They need a house like everyone else, they don’t want broken down cars. They have plenty of people who are willing to support Leolam Va’ed, so if you commit to support, yes; if not, they move on.”

I wanted to tell her to drop the date, but my daughter had waited 6 months for this, and I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. I told her I would get back to her shortly.

I called the boy’s Rosh Yeshiva, and I was shocked to hear that he wasn’t only aware of the demands of the other side, he was promoting it.

“This is the way of Lakewood,” he told me. “The girl’s family supports no matter what.”

“I don’t understand,” I asked him. “My daughter is making $80K. That is more than enough for the couple in their first year. She has plans to further her education and advance her career. Why am I supporting them if they don’t need the money?”

His response was, “If they don’t need the money now, then they will put the money towards the down payment of the house. My talmid is a top boy. You should be honored to have the zchus of supporting him.”

I called a friend of mine and asked if this was normal. He told me I have no choice.

“What are you going to do?” he asked me. “Wait until she is 23 and bite the bullet? Bite the bullet now and save yourself the heartache.”

I called another friend who was learning his whole life and recently married off a daughter. He told me, to my surprise, that he had to take on a tutoring job for the first time in his life to support his daughter and son-in-law.

Even after hearing all this, I refused to move forward with such extortion. I spoke to my Rov and he agreed. With my Rov’s advice, the response we gave to the other side is that we would not be making any commitments for support and they can back out if they wish. The Shadchan gave them our response and the date was cancelled.

Thankfully, I raised my daughter well enough that she understood and was completely on board with our decision and our response.

I was forced to come to the sad reality that not only have we not come up with a solution to the Shidduch Crisis, but we have turned it into a weapon to extort the girl’s family and frighten them that if they did not commit to unrealistic demands, they would never get married.

This past Nissan started off very hopeful. Many of us believed this might be the Nissan we would finally be Niga”al, but how can we bring Mashiach if we have sunk so low to extort one another in the name of Torah?!?

Can we truly believe that these “extortionists” will be the ones to carry over the Mesorah to the next generation? Is this really what the Ribono Shel Olam wants?

I hope my letter raises awareness and that we can all get our priorities back in order to finally bring Moshiach.

Moshe

TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to us via  Whatsapp  or via email  [email protected]