Q: How can one maintain romance in marriage?

A: That’s a very good and important question. Now some of the things cannot be said in public but whatever it is, it’s important to keep that in mind. It is possible to do. It certainly is possible to do. And that’s one of the functions of חכמת נשים בנתה ביתה, a wise woman can build up her house. Included in her house is the attitude of romance, absolutely.

You know some girls, or many girls rather, are just like boys – they have no sense – and soon after marriage they’re careless. Beforehand they were tense, they were on their best behavior, but soon after marriage they relax and they begin behaving naturally to their chosson. And they show impatience, anger. They’re careless of his honor.

And some of them take a good husband, a potentially good husband, and they quickly spoil him at the beginning of their marriage career. It happens again and again. A good husband is spoiled by a silly girl. If she would be careful for the first sixty years with him and watch her step, she could preserve him as a chosson forever. It’s possible to do.

So you say, “Well, it’s too much exertion.”

Look; anybody who wants to succeed cannot be natural. You can never be natural with your husband. There are certain things I would tell a woman in private what to do. Don’t be natural. He has to think always that you’re supernatural. And you can keep him in that attitude.

When he married you, he thought you were something special. He didn’t think you’re an ordinary person like his sister. His sister he knows is nobody, but you are a woman in a dream world. He’s in the clouds when he marries you. You can keep him in the clouds. But if suddenly you yank him down to reality and he sees you’re somebody’s sister…

So it’s her fault!

So you’ll say, “Well, what do you want of a young girl?

Well, a girl has to be coached. It’s important to coach a girl. I claim that girls should be taught the art of marriage. It’s a great pity. There are a lot of nice young men who are spoiled as husbands. Yes, they manage to live out the rest of their 120 years with their wives but they no longer continue the career that they envisioned in the beginning. And it’s not necessary. It’s possible to live a life of romance but it needs the tactfulness and diplomacy of a wife.

Now you say, what about the diplomacy of a husband? It needs a husband’s participation too. But you have to know that all this is mostly, it’s 95% a woman’s business. Just like before marriage the bachur doesn’t perfume himself – at least most of them don’t. He doesn’t spend hours making curls in his hair before marriage. It’s the girl who is doing that. So you see that’s her job. So her job is after marriage to do certain things to maintain the illusion. And it’s possible to be done. Rav Chisda gave advice to his daughters. I cannot repeat in public what he said. I cannot repeat in public what he said, but it was advice to help them maintain the aura of romance forever.

[Toras Avigdor/December 1978]