A response to this comment from a non-Jewish reader on a recent article:

Response:

Thank you for being so respectful and sincere.

I was born Jewish and grew up in the secular world. I didn’t come to Judaism until well after college.

My reply is too long and nuanced to print here. However, your letter was so genuine. I’m going to try to answer.

When the priority is having a family and children, with the foundation being innocent and pure, it is healthier to get married when younger.

There have been numerous secular articles written about how girls have been betrayed by societal demands that prioritize anything (in the present) other than marriage, only for the girl to later, for the rest of her life, feel cheated because she no longer has the same choices for husbands and may be too old to have children.

Coming from a secular upbringing, I’ll tell you this: the secular world of dating and relationships can be a painful or jaded experience, with multiple partners over the years leaving a single person more superficial and causing them to regard a relationship as transactional rather than emotional.

Marrying young means the slate is clean, and the couple can build a unique relationship together where it’s as if no one else in the world exists other than them. There are no comparisons with previous partners, no residual wish that your current partner had a certain trait another one had, no measuring the first relationship against the intoxicating glow of another, compared with an older adult life with all its responsibilities and difficulties.

It is a wholesome way in which the young adults have full decision-making ability regarding whom they marry, but first there is a logical screening to determine whether the other person is a genuinely healthy match for an enduring relationship.

As opposed to the secular world, where people meet someone in a social scene based on attraction, date in loud music, crowded bars, or at parties, have lots of fun, and never really know the other person until one individual feels committed and the other moves on to the next best attraction, leaving heartbreak. Or the couple may get married only to find out who each other really are.

I didn’t want to write such a long reply, but out of respect for your polite question, I tried to answer.

Please do know this: all young adults are in complete control of deciding whom they marry.

For lack of a better way to explain it, the adults who make suggestions for a date are no different than an employer’s HR department that screens a candidate before they’re even considered. They then make a suggestion to the decision-maker, who ultimately decides whether or not they like the suggestion for a hopeful long-term employee.

Please don’t take the word “employee” out of context or misconstrue it. The analogy applies only to the process of an objective, caring person—in this case, the parents—suggesting a dating match that makes objective sense.

I did not edit this reply, so please overlook any typos or statements that I undoubtedly would have wished to refine.