Last week, in these pages, I described how a bochur — a good, fine bochur — was so taken and moved by what he felt were sincere compliments and value that he got from AI that he became addicted to that “relationship.”
That got me thinking. I started thinking about the power of compliments, the power of ah gut vort, the power of he’aras ponim.
Complimenting another person, especially a child or teen, has always been very important. People in chinuch today have told me how today’s children and teens need a compliment, ah gut vort and a smile much more than those in previous generations did.
Today, this isn’t a luxury. It is an absolutely critical necessity. A child needs to feel not only that his parent loves him, but that his parent “holds of him.” That doesn’t mean that one cannot or should not discipline. Not at all. However, we must look for and find the maalos inherent in each of our children and openly convey how happy and proud we are that the child possesses these maalos.
Similarly, a rebbi or teacher needs to know that he’aras ponim — a smile, a compliment, an expression of trust — is like oxygen for today’s talmidim and talmidos. If they get these from their rabbeim, teachers, and mentors, they will thrive. If they don’t, they can (and often do) wilt away, or worse, they will seek them out from other non-savory places.
Why this is the case in today’s world is something I will leave to greater experts than I. But the fact is that without he’aras ponim, without showing our children and talmidim love, compliments, praise, and, most importantly, that you genuinely hold of them and recognize their maalos, it is almost impossible to have a hashpa’ah on them.
Everyone Needs a Compliment
The reason that this bochur was so taken by the AI force was because AI was giving him something that he wasn’t getting in sufficient doses at home and in yeshiva.
The need for compliments applies to everyone. I remember a story that someone told me when I was writing the biography of Rav Mattisyohu Salomon. It was right after Rav Mattisyohu had given a shmuess. Reb Meilich* approached Rav Mattisyohu, gave him a yasher koach for the shmuess, and told him how much he enjoyed it and gained from it. Rav Mattisyohu told him, “Thank you so much! You are the first person to come over and tell me something. You know, a mashgiach also needs chizuk…”
The Art of Finding What to Praise
Rav Elya Meir Sorotzkin, rosh yeshiva of Yeshiva Tiferes Boruch of Springfield, also always tried to focus on people’s maalos. He fargined people. He was meromeim people. He uplifted people. He was machshiv people. He always spoke about other people’s maalos. When complimenting people, he would think of a way to glorify the compliment so it would make the greatest impact.
Perhaps his own comment about the rosh yeshiva of Kiryas Melech, Rav Shmuel Yaakov Borenstein, says it all. He once said, “You have to watch Rav Shmuel Yaakov interact with others. He can speak to a person with very few redeeming qualities, find his maalah — a positive aspect of his personality — and jump on it, praising it to the sky. I remember that there was once a bochur who wasn’t a great baal maalah, to say the least, but was a very good baal tefillah. What did Rav Shmuel Yaakov say? ‘Ah, you are such a hartzige baal tefillah!’”
The Need to “Make a Deposit” Before “Making a Withdrawal”
The truth is that just giving mussar no longer works. A child or bochur will only accept mussar or rebuke if he knows that you hold of him and that you recognize his good qualities.
Rav Mattisyohu initially served as the junior mashgiach in Gateshead under Rav Moshe Schwab. When Rav Moshe noticed that a certain bochur’s conduct was not in keeping with what the yeshiva wanted from him, he asked Rav Mattisyohu to speak to him and rebuke him for his conduct. Two weeks later, Rav Moshe approached Rav Mattisyohu and asked, “Have you had a chance to speak to the bochur?”
“Actually, I have not,” was Rav Mattisyohu’s answer.
He went on to explain: “Since until now I have not had a chance to give him a compliment and create a friendly relationship with him, it would not be beneficial to criticize him at this point. I must first make a deposit before I can make a withdrawal!”
Who Most Needs He’aras Ponim
A prominent mechanech once told me that parents often come to him for advice on what to do with one or two of their children who are struggling. He said that he often asks the parent(s), “How many children do you have?” A typical answer could be six, eight, or ten. He then asks, “Out of all of those children, who are the ones who get the compliments and the he’aras ponim?”
Usually, they sheepishly admit that it is the six or eight children who are not causing them heartache.
He tells them that it is the two children who are tearing up the house, or who are giving their rabbeim a run for their money, or engaging in other questionable conduct, who deserve the most compliments. They are the ones who are truly starving for compliments. Compliments are good for every child, but for these children, they are critical.
The Rosh Yeshiva’s Request for a Brocha
Another story that happened at Yeshiva Tiferes Boruch:
Shabbos was coming, but the yeshiva had been in the middle of renovations, as a result of which eight bookcases full of seforim had been temporarily placed in a hallway. The rosh yeshiva, Rav Elya Meir Sorotzkin, did not want the bookcases to remain in the hallway for Shabbos. He therefore asked a bochur, Tzvi Weiss, on Thursday if he could do something about it.
Tzvi rose to the occasion. He spent many hours cleaning the place up and rearranging things so that on Shabbos, everything would look orderly and nice, as the rosh yeshiva wanted.
After Shacharis on Friday, the rosh yeshiva summoned Tzvi.
“Tzvi,” the rosh yeshiva exclaimed jovially, “please give me a brocha!”
“A brocha?” a flustered, flabbergasted Tzvi stuttered.
“You are mamesh a baal mofes, a real miracle worker,” the rosh yeshiva explained. “Yesterday everything was so neglected and messy, but today it is so beautiful, so orderly, and so clean. It is nothing less than a miracle. If you can perform miracles, I need a brocha from you!”
“The way he expressed his appreciation,” Tzvi later commented, “ensured that I would never forget it for the rest of my life. Even now, so many years later, I still am ‘full’ from that compliment, uttered sincerely so many years ago.”
Finding the Glitter in As-Yet Unpolished Diamonds
The lesson for us is clear. Children, teens, and really everyone today need love. They need to know that a parent, a rebbi, or a teacher truly loves them and genuinely cares about them. But perhaps even more than love, they need to know that you hold of them — that you recognize their maalos and that you show it.
Remember: Start looking for maalos, recognizing maalos, and really working on yourself to notice the qualities of even as-yet unpolished diamonds. If you don’t, they may look to a robot or a computer for validation.
What a pity and tragedy that would be.