You can still relinquish trying to control things in your marriage without dropping the balls.

You’re carrying so much.
The kids, appointments, supper, Shabbos, homework, registering for school, playgroup and camp, calling the plumber, paying the dentist bill, dealing with the car inspection…

And he… just lives his life.

Maybe he’s not a bad guy. He’s not cruel. He’s not out partying. He’s just… not helping.
At least not in the way you desperately wish he would.

You think, “If I don’t take care of it, no one will.”
And maybe that’s actually true.

But being the “responsible one” all the time is draining. Exhausting. Lonely.

And you may wonder:

Why should I stop controlling things when that’s the only way anything gets done?
Why should I let go if he’ll never step up?
Why is it always ME?

You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Any woman carrying the entire load would crack under the pressure. Your frustration makes sense. And you deserve so much compassion for how hard you work.

This isn’t about pretending he’s secretly amazing, or promising that if you try one magic technique, he’ll suddenly wake up a new man.

This is simply about one skill – a way to remove some of the weight on your shoulders even if he never changes.

The Real Problem: Carrying the Weight + Carrying the Control

When a woman feels overwhelmed and unseen, she often starts controlling without even realizing it.

Not because she’s bossy.
Not because she wants power.
But because she feels unsafe.

So she jumps in—
“I’ll speak to the mechanic.”
“I’ll just fill out the forms.”
“I’ll remind him three times or it won’t get done.”

Control becomes the default mode because the alternative feels like letting everything fall apart.

But here’s the real, painful truth:

Even though controlling everything keeps the balls in the air, it drains your energy and blocks connection.

It makes you feel like the only adult in the home.
It creates resentment.
It makes you feel alone, even when you’re married.

So what can you do?

Relinquishing Control (in Small, Realistic, Doable Ways)

Relinquishing control does not mean you trust him blindly.
It does not mean you pretend he’s perfect.
It does not mean you drop the ball and let life crash.

It means choosing, slowly, gently, to stop trying to manage what isn’t actually yours to manage.

It means stepping out of his lane so you can breathe again.

It means letting go of the anxiety-driven instinct to oversee, correct, supervise, remind, teach, or push.

It means allowing him to be himself, even if he is inconsistent, slow, forgetful, or different from you.

Relinquishing control is not for him.
It’s for YOU.

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

1. Let him handle something his way, even if it’s messy or imperfect.

If he’s bathing the toddler and the bathroom becomes a splash-zone?
If he gives the kids cereal for supper?
If he dresses the baby in stripes and polka dots?

You breathe.
You let him.

2. Step back from things you took over only because you were scared he’d mess up.

For one week, don’t remind him about trash night.
If he remembers, great.
If he forgets, the world does not end.
It creates learning – his learning, not yours.

3. When you feel the urge to fix, teach, or direct – pause.

Try saying:
“Whatever you think.”
“I trust you on this.”
Or simply swallow the comment and walk away.

Even once a day is a win.

4. Focus on what’s actually yours to control: your desires, your voice, your choices.

This is where your power truly is.

Why This Works (Even If He Never Changes)

Here’s what relinquishing control actually changes:

1. YOU feel calmer.

You stop micromanaging every detail.
Your shoulders soften.
Your nervous system settles.
You feel lighter.

2. YOU regain dignity.

Instead of being the household drill sergeant, you become a woman who chooses what she does and what she lovingly puts down.

3. YOU reconnect with who you were before you became so burdened.

The kallah who didn’t come into marriage to be a project manager.
The woman who wanted partnership, not pressure.

4. YOU stop tying your happiness to his behavior.

You reclaim your own inner peace instead of waiting for him to wake up one day magically transformed.

5. YOU get back your energy.

Not because he changed, but because you stopped drowning in tasks that were never meant to be yours alone.

6. YOU create space for connection.

Not because you forced it, but because letting go of control opens a quiet doorway where warmth can seep back in.

None of this requires him to change.
None of this depends on him stepping up.
This is the part that belongs to you and only you.

When Letting Go Brought Peace (Not Perfection)

My client, Sarah, was exhausted from carrying everything.
She didn’t trust her husband with anything, even remembering to pick up milk.

One day she told me, “I can’t live like this anymore. I’m angry all the time.”

We worked on tiny moments of relinquishing control:

• When her husband offered to take the kids to school, she didn’t tell him which way was the fastest way to go.
  
• When he loaded the dishwasher “wrong,” she let it go.
  
• When he forgot to call their son’s rebbe, she didn’t remind him.
  

A few things did fall through the cracks.

But something else happened:

She felt less tense.
She felt more like herself.
She wasn’t simmering with resentment all day.

And here’s the real shift:
She said, “I finally feel like I have my life back.”

Her husband didn’t suddenly become superman.
He didn’t become more helpful overnight.

But she changed.
Her peace returned.
Her heart and her home softened.
Her marriage felt warmer, not because he improved, but because she stopped living in fight-or-flight.

You Don’t Need Him to Change in Order to Feel Better

You don’t have to wait for him to:

• read your mind
  
• become more responsible
  
• develop initiative
  
• help more
  
• take over the load
  
• turn into the husband you wish he could be
  

You can begin to feel lighter, calmer, and more connected today, through one small act of relinquishing control.

Not because he deserves it.
Not because he will magically change.
But because carrying everything alone is too heavy for anyone.

And you deserve a life that feels peaceful—even if he remains exactly the same.

The post When You’re Carrying Everything—and He Still Doesn’t Step Up appeared first on Between Carpools.