While repairing doesn’t undo a rupture, it can rebuild safety and trust in the here and now

Can This Be Fixed?

Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

F

ollowing our article on the significance of healthy attachment some time ago, we received responses from parents who felt badly that they didn’t understand the importance of being emotionally responsive or creating a safe, secure, and soothing atmosphere in the home.

Some parents parented exactly how they were raised, not knowing any other technique or strategy. It’s difficult to break that cycle, as we often revert to what is familiar and comfortable to us. Some parents used shame and fear as tools to get children to behave, and while initially it may have seemed effective, it didn’t work for too long and almost always exacted a terrible cost.

The good news is that there is always room for repair. While repairing doesn’t undo a rupture, it can rebuild safety and trust in the here and now. Guilt over what was isn’t productive. Children don’t need to have perfect parents; they need to have accountable, emotionally connected, and present parents. It may not be too late to become that person.

(Note: This isn’t for repair after any form of abusive parenting.)

A Repair Conversation

A repair conversation includes some of the following components:

• Emotional regulation. Have this conversation at a time when you know you’ll be able to remain calm and regulated. Don’t show up frustrated or defensive.
• Acknowledge the rupture. Admit you didn’t handle things correctly. “I’ve been thinking that when you were a child, I wasn’t here for you in the way you needed. I didn’t really know how to be a secure parent.”
• Validate. Practice empathy. Name your child’s feelings. “I want to hear what this was like for when you were growing up. It must have been lonely and even confusing.”
• Own your actions. Owning your actions is different from acknowledging. It’s taking responsibility by letting them know it was your choice to act the way you did. Avoid saying “You made me.” Instead, “I didn’t do this when you were younger, and you really needed me to. I didn’t know how and that’s not your fault. I’m learning now what it means to be more emotionally connected.”
• Reinforce the relationship now and in the future. “You’re my child. I love you, and I want to be here for you. I can’t undo the past, and I’m not perfect, but I’m here now to make this work for you in any way I can.”
• Have compassion for yourself. Tell yourself that while you may have made mistakes, you’re working on being a better parent. Focus on self-care so you can do better. If needed, seek professional support to address your own past trauma or impediments to change.

The goal of repairing with adult children isn’t to wipe the slate clean, but rather to open up an avenue of reconnection and communication about your parenting and their childhood.

In the Here and Now

For younger children who you’re still raising, you need to do a repair as soon as you’ve lost your temper at them, even if they did actually do something that needed a consequence — because chinuch shouldn’t involve yelling and screaming.

• Communicate calmly, while in close physical proximity. “Can we talk about what happened earlier?”
• Acknowledge and validate.“I yelled at you and that probably was scary and confusing.”
• Own your actions. “I want you to know that was my mistake. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at.”
• Model self-regulation. “I was feeling overwhelmed, but it’s my job to stay calm even when I’m correcting you, and I didn’t do that.”
• Apologize. “I’m really sorry”
• Reassure. “I love you so much, even when I get upset.” Children often equate that when you yell, it means that you no longer love them. “I’ll always love you even if you did something wrong.”
• Keep channels of communication open. “If something I said made you feel hurt or scared, I’d like to know.”

Don’t expect a response right away and sometimes not even at all. Both young and adult children need time and space to process. These conversations are meant to help you communicate and convey understanding and intent on bettering your relationship in the future.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area.  She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.
Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

The Case for the Back Seat

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

I

try not to visibly flinch when I see younger kids riding in the front seat. But on my daily carpool route (especially on snowy, icy Chicago streets), I see it so much, it’s become hard to ignore. As a pediatrician, I know how often these seemingly small choices show up later in emergency rooms and trauma bays, and that knowledge can be hard to turn off.

Motor vehicle crashes remain one of the leading causes of serious injury and death in children, with a consistent and heartbreaking pattern: Kids are most often hurt when they’re unrestrained, improperly restrained, or moved to the front seat too soon.

The back seat, paired with the right car seat or booster, isn’t a “nice extra” or an overly cautious rule.

It’s one of the most reliable ways we have to reduce the risk of catastrophic injury.

Children’s heads are proportionally larger, their spines and chest structures are still developing, and they sit closer to the dashboard. Forces an adult body can tolerate can be devastating to a child. Add a front-seat airbag, which deploys with enormous speed and force, and the risk rises further.

Decades of research show that children riding in the back seat are significantly less likely to suffer severe or fatal injuries, and that moving out of age-appropriate restraints too early dramatically increases injury risk. This is why we recommend the back seat, properly restrained, until at least age 13.

My patients often remember it as, “Back seat until after your bar or bat mitzvah.” Nothing magical happens on a 13th birthday — it’s a safety buffer, reflecting when airbag-related risks begin to decline for most kids.

“But it’s just a short drive.”

Most crashes happen close to home, on familiar roads, during routine errands. Distance doesn’t change physics. Five minutes or 50, the back seat protects every time.

“But there’s no room in our carpool!”

This is a real challenge for many families. Still, from a medical standpoint, convenience shouldn’t come at the cost of safety. Rearranging seats is frustrating, but it’s safer. The back seat isn’t about rules, it’s about giving children the best chance to walk away unharmed from a crash they never saw coming.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Women’s Medical Association (JOWMA)

Make Yourself a Happy Place

Tsippy Kraus

F

eeding a baby can sometimes feel like a full-time job. It’s an unavoidable part of new motherhood, so why not turn it into something you actually look forward to rather than a task to rush through?

Create a little feeding station — your personal corner of calm. Start with the essentials: pillows to prop you and baby comfortably, maybe a footstool or that perfectly cosy chair. Then add the extras that make it yours: water bottles, and a stash of your favorite comfort foods. While you’re there, read a good book, flip through a magazine you didn’t get to read yet, or listen to a podcast you love.

When feeding becomes paired with comfort and pleasure, it transforms from duty into downtime. Before long, you’ll find yourself sneaking away for “just another feed,” and they’ll be wondering where you’ve gone. That little corner? It’s not just for baby — it’s your happy place, too.

Tsippy Kraus is a childbirth educator and birth trauma release practitioner. She also founded Birth Journeys Online, a prerecorded online childbirth education course for Jewish couples.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 980)

The post Can This Be Fixed? first appeared on Mishpacha Magazine.