Fake Views for the Jews from the Writers You (Shouldn’t) Trust

Challenge

Can Mishpacha’s op-ed writers pick up the pen as someone else… without AI?

Starring

JAKE TURX as YONOSON ROSENBLUM
GEDALIA GUTTENTAG as YISROEL BESSER
YITZCHOK LANDA as JAKE TURX
SHMUEL BOTNICK as GEDALIA GUTTENTAG

W

eeks dominated by dire predictions of war have, in retrospect, carried little more than piecrust promises — easily made, easily broken. Twain would likely define the saga as cataclysmic war largely exaggerated, and one must speculate as to the raison d’être of a massive display of unused force.

Pundits see this as Trumpian consueto modo, an Art of the Deal scare tactic to prevail at the negotiating table by coercion rather than persuasion. Equally likely, however, is the ever-present prolepsis of an impending midterm election. Republicans, and even more so, Trump’s stronghold of far-right-leaning adherents, suffer from an acute case of paradoxe intérieur — with an insatiable desire to display American dominance in constant friction with a concomitant insistence to avoid war at all costs, both in the name of isolationism as well as restrained fiscal policy. Trump has thus identified the perfect solution: Display force but avoid war. The wisdom and efficacy of this strategy will be discovered at the ballot box come November.

But in what seems like classic Trump modus operandi, this approach works for him, and for him only. The great sufferer is, of course, Israel. For the Jewish state, political expediency is far down on the list of priorities when weighing the pros and cons of war with its greatest geopolitical nemesis. In all likelihood, this reality promulgated Netanyahu’s impromptu visit to the White House earlier in the month. The substance of the discussion between him and his American counterpart remains, for now, under wraps, though a measure of imagination may prove instructive.

Knowing that an explosive indictment of Iran’s leadership would be a gift too pleasing to offer, Trump likely demurred from making any such suggestion. Flexing both literal and figurative girth, his response to Netanyahu’s plea for a US onslaught may have been the same that earned him the status of Manhattan’s greatest real estate mogul; as the Americans might say, “My way or the highway.” The ensuing three hours shrouded by the Oval Office’s oak doors featured a desperate Netanyahu exercising decades’ worth of political finesse in an attempt to convince Trump that it is, in fact, in his best interest to pursue war. The success of these arguments appear limited as the imposing warships lining the Persian Gulf have yet to fire their first shot.