By anonymous

There was recently discussion about how shidduch references need to be careful when answering questions on a shidduch call.

That’s true. References should answer responsibly and thoughtfully. But the questions being asked also need to be appropriate.

When someone is listed as a reference, it’s usually because they care about the person and respect them. Asking a friend to share negative traits or “red flags” puts them in an uncomfortable position. Trying to draw out criticism from friends is not fair.

Of course, people making calls want information. There are limited ways to learn about someone. Still, there’s a difference between asking helpful questions and asking a friend to point out faults.

To those making calls: please be mindful of what you ask. If a question feels uncomfortable or inappropriate to direct to a friend, it likely shouldn’t be asked.

Consideration belongs on both sides of the conversation.