A child learns not without struggle, bumps, or setbacks, but within an environment that is fundamentally safe

You’ve Been Seen and Heard [Conversation Continues / Issue 984]

Dear Older Single,

I’d like to thank you for your exquisite letter describing the pain of being in your situation. Thank you for having the courage to put your pain into words and to give us readers some insight into your life. There is nothing to say in response, no way to fix it, no soothing words, and so I’m not trying. I’d just like to say that you’re seen and heard, and even admired for the pain that you must carry through every second of every day. (In addition, and as an aside, you’re a fantastically evocative writer, but I don’ t even want this comment to detract from the point that you were trying to make.)

I hope that all of us reading this heard you and saw you. And I hope that we can just sit together in the uncomfortable silence of this vivid window that you’ve given us into your life.

M.L.

Lakewood

It Isn’t a Competition [Conversation Continues / Issue 984]

Reading this discussion about divorcées feeling their pain isn’t validated by society made me think about something important. Pain isn’t a competition. A widow, a divorcée, and a single person can all experience deep pain, and each situation deserves compassion.

At the same time, I think it can be unhealthy if we wait for validation from others and feel victimized when it doesn’t come. Support from people is wonderful when we receive it, but if we don’t, we still have the ability to process our pain and move forward.

For me, the question becomes: What does Hashem want from me now? Instead of waiting for others to do good for us, we can ask how we can bring good to others and build a meaningful life despite our challenges.

As a divorced woman, I try to focus on the values I want to live by. One goal I set for myself is never to bad-mouth my ex to my children. Even though many of my children were taken by my ex, I try to focus on helping other children, neighbors or disadvantaged children, whenever I can. In a sense I say to Hashem, “I will try to be a partner and help with Your children.”

Instead of comparing suffering, perhaps we can focus on how to create rich and meaningful lives and support each other along the way.

Name Withheld

To Ride, To Grow, To Succeed [To Be Honest / Issue 984]

I’ m responding to the articles pushing for parents to step back from overprotecting their children. I agreed wholeheartedly with it. A child learns not without struggle, bumps, or setbacks, but within an environment that is fundamentally safe. Of course, a child must be protected from dangers that could cause real harm. But protection doesn’t mean removing every obstacle.

When we teach a child to ride a bike, we choose a safe place, the sidewalk. It isn’t perfectly smooth. There are cracks, uneven blocks, bumps, and maybe a bit of mud. But we know the child is safe from the greater danger of moving cars. The ground is just as hard on the street as it is on the sidewalk, but a bloody and scraped knee is a risk we accept because it is part of how a child learns. To ride. To grow. To succeed.

One day that child will ride on the road, and eventually drive there in a far larger and more dangerous vehicle than a bicycle. Learning doesn’t happen in an environment free of difficulty or pressure. It happens in a place where mistakes are possible, where hurt can occur, but where the consequences aren’t catastrophic.

The goal is not to repave the road or remove all the cars so the child can practice there. The goal is to prepare the child for the road ahead. Because that road will always have larger potholes than the cracks in the sidewalk where they first learned. To ride. To grow. To succeed.

Name Withheld

What About the Reservists? [Holding Down the Fort / Issue 982]

The article about fathers working far from home, while insightful and well written, had one major omission.

Whatever one’s hashkafic leanings, an entire article without mention of the strikingly similar current reality for thousands of our people due to husbands and fathers in the army reserves is, perhaps a little… tone-deaf? I’m sure no harm was meant but with that being the reality for so many of our brothers and sisters for over two years now, it bears mention.

Miriam Pearl

May I Make a Suggestion? [On Your Mark / Issue 981]

The amazing work Chana Malka Klein does vis-à-vis medical shidduchim astounded me. Kol hakavod! The follow-up letter decrying that we need such a service also resonated with me. May I humbly suggest a simple solution that I feel may help matters in a gigantic way?

First, I needed a statistic regarding how many families in the US have a child dealing with a medical condition. So I turned to Google (although I’ m not sure it’ s perfectly reliable). It surely doesn’t take into account our frum families with many children. Google states: Approximately 20% of children in the US (about 14.5 million) have special health care needs, which include chronic physical, developmental, behavioral, or emotional conditions. When including broader, acute, or minor chronic illnesses, estimates suggest that up to 40-50% of US children are affected.

Here’ s my suggestion: If every family who has a child with a medical condition who maintains that their child can lead a perfectly normal life and therefore want a spouse who isn’ t medically challenged in any way would be open to have their other children marry someone with a medical condition, oh what a wonderful shidduchim world this would be. (I understand that people wouldn’t want a match from a family dealing with the same condition as their child’s.) This would open countless shidduch suggestions for those affected.

I know families who didn’ t want to divulge (until a later date) that their child had Crohns or diabetes; another family that their son had cancer as a child, and so on. I know families who do share the info, but will only consider matches with people who don’ t have any medical issue. That’ s their prerogative. But I don’ t see that they “practice what they preach” when their other children are in the parshah. Why aren’t they open to someone with a condition who can lead a normal life? Isn’t it only right to do for others what you want done for you?

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 986)