The Sedorim are golden opportunities for personal growth and connecting with others

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ver Pesach generally, and at the Seder more specifically, we will likely encounter a variety of family members and guests who do not share our Torah perspectives, halachic opinions, and outlook on life. There are parents who will have a child returning home for Yom Tov who is not engaged in a Torah way of life. There are baalei teshuvah who will be hosting their nonobservant parents for the Sedorim. There are those who will have relatives at the table who are blatantly anti-religious. There are individuals who will have unaffiliated Jews at their Seder who will ask tough questions. And the most common situations are the good old-fashioned hashkafic and ideological quarrels that are bound to arise.

While many try to avoid these situations because it’s painful to communicate with those who are different or disagree with us, these circumstances are actually golden opportunities for personal growth and connecting with others. A thoughtful response to a comment has the potential to adjust the spiritual trajectory of someone’s life, while a derogatory remark carries with it the potential for a family member to never return home. I know of countless stories in both directions. Some of these stories are the most inspiring, while others are the most devastating. Forward-thinking and mindful execution can yield enormous dividends that can be life-altering. However, a lack of preparedness and ill-considered remarks can be life-shattering. Instead of running away from the elephant in the room, let us prepare for the inevitable. How should we handle these encounters?

In honor of the Yom Tov of Pesach when the number four reigns, please consider the following four approaches, case dependent, if you are serious about wanting to deal effectively with those who are different from you.

1. Ignoring 

You may encounter an individual who expresses damaging, negative, and at times toxic commentary about the Torah, halachah, the mesorah, or other areas of Judaism. This can be the most challenging and complex confrontation one may face. Rav Chaim of Volozhin learns from the Pesach story itself how to handle such characters.

Rashi explains that originally, only one frog was prepared to plague the Egyptians, but because the Mitzrim hit this one frog incessantly, more frogs emerged, triggering the onslaught of the plague of frogs. Rav Chaim wonders what would have happened if the they had not hit that frog? The answer is obvious; there would have been only one frog. Indeed, it was the Mitzrim themselves who were the catalyst of the plague of frogs, because they continuously hit that one frog.

Rav Chaim explains that we learn from here how to deal with those who are anti-Torah; don’t fight back. Fighting back will only strengthen the other side; it will “cause more frogs.” Instead, the greatest weapon to suppress the situation is to ignore the situation. (Peh Kadosh on Shemos 8:2) I see this all the time: When one attempts to convince, argue, and debate the antagonist, it adds fuel to the fire and strengthens the opposing side. Instead, try changing the topic, conversing with others, or ignoring the comment completely. The power of silence in the heat of a tense moment is indescribable.

This is exactly how Rav Chaim’s rebbi, the Vilna Gaon, explains a peculiarity in the response the Torah gives to the rasha, the wicked son. As opposed to the other three sons, to whom the Torah articulates a direct response, regarding the wicked son the Torah’s response is in the third person, “v’amartem,” and you shall tell them (Shemos 12:27). Why does the Torah not articulate a direct response to the wicked son?

The Gra explains that the Torah is teaching us that we don’t respond to the wicked child; instead, we respond to everyone else. We respond with interest to the wise son, the simple son, and the son who doesn’t know how to ask, each according to their ability. However, we do not respond directly to the son who is completely uninterested in hearing our response. To a question there is an answer, but to a declaration there can be no response (Haggadah Shel Pesach – HaGra). Indeed, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains these verses similarly and implemented this very technique when he dialogued with such people. Not responding is the greatest and most powerful tactic when being verbally attacked. (Collected Writings 1:61-64 and Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch by Rabbi Eliyahu Meir Klugman pages 186-189)

2. Education

Many of our brethren were not given a Torah education, as we were blessed to receive. There is nothing more powerful than sharing the Torah with those who were never introduced to it. Chazal teach us that it’s specifically through Torah that we will be most successful in penetrating the heart and soul of the Jew. We must educate and inspire, teach and model to those who are different from us. We must not be afraid to share our heritage and holiness with our brothers and sisters whose ancestors also stood at Har Sinai. Invite them into our orbit and allow them to taste the beauty of a Torah life.

Gedolei Yisrael over the ages have encouraged each of us to be teachers. Rav Shimon Sofer dedicates the introduction to his father’s Teshuvas Chasam Sofer, Pisuchei Chosam, to articulate this point. The Chofetz Chaim penned an entire sefer, Chomas Daas, to highlight this responsibility. Rav Moshe Feinstein writes in Darash Moshe (parshas Bo) that we must believe and know that we have the tools in our Torah arsenal to impact every single Jew, even the most sinful and most distant.

I have been privileged to see this firsthand from two of the greatest mekarvim of our generations. I saw the five-finger clarity and aish haTorah that Rav Noach Weinberg had when interacting with the most uninterested, unaffiliated, argumentative, pretentious, or too-cool-to-be-Jewish Jew. I continue to be privileged to witness how Rav Chaim Mintz doesn’t stop reaching out, interacting, teaching, connecting, and inspiring those who are most different from him. I know of countless families who dedicate their Shabbos and Yom Tov tables to those who are unlike them. I am aware of dozens of individuals who take time to learn with those who are much less learned than themselves. When done right, these interactions are transformative for both parties. Torah has the power to create the most meaningful and substantive relationship; including for those who are most different from one another. With wisdom, sensitivity, and tact, we, too, can connect with those who are very different from us.

The days of Pesach are a treasured opportunity to proactively discuss and teach the story of our exodus, the birth of our nation, belief in Hashem, Hashem’s providence, Jewish history, the purpose of creation, redemption, the role of the Jew in this world, and more. We have it within us to educate those who are distant and different. We must believe and know that it can be done, has been done, and is being done.

3. Connection

An underutilized tool to successfully interact with those who are different is by sincerely connecting with them. No tricks, no tactics; just be a friend and relative, and express authentic interest in the person. Let’s explain.

Shlomo Hamelech teaches us, “As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another” (Mishlei 27:19). This means that another person knows how you feel about them based upon the way they feel. A person will know if you care about them if they feel cared about. A person will know if you love them if they feel loved. A person will feel if they are unimportant in your eyes because they can sense that. A person will experience if you are genuine and sincere. You can’t fake that. If you want to connect with those who are different, it’s up to you.

One of the greatest teachers of this was Rabbi Shlomo Hoffman, who passed away in 2013. Rabbi Hoffman, who was an outstanding talmid of the Chevron Yeshivah and its roshei yeshivah, needed to leave full-time kollel to support his young family. With no education or experience, he began working as a parole officer in the newly formed Israeli prison system to help rehabilitate criminals. Rabbi Hoffman, who was an erudite talmid chacham and ben Torah par excellence, saw remarkable success working with people who were 180 degrees different from him: secular teens, hardened criminals.

One of his early successes came working with a teen named Uzi who committed senseless acts of vandalism and theft. Psychiatrists and psychologists who worked with Uzi said that he could not be rehabilitated and there was no way for him to improve. Enter Rabbi Hoffman, who spent two years working with Uzi until remarkably, he began to pull his life together. At a symposium held with a group of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers, Rabbi Hoffman, who became an acclaimed leader in the field of criminal rehabilitation in Israel, explained how he succeeded with Uzi when nobody else did. Rabbi Hoffman said that he carefully executed what his rebbi, Rav Isaac Sher, had shown him and what Chazal teach. He showed positive feelings toward Uzi, which nobody else did. Uzi returned those feelings in kind. Rabbi Hoffman said, “From the moment I met him I felt connected to him. I felt that I could help him. I showed him that I believed in him, and it reflected back.”

Rabbi Hoffman developed this theory and practicum and showed how it was sourced in the words of the great Rabbinic thinkers. (Rabbi Hoffman, Vaadim on Kamayim by Rav Meir Simcha Stein)

“As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another,” the pasuk says. If we want to connect and relate with family members and others who are different from us, we must show a sincere interest in and concern for the other person; it will be sensed and will be reflected back, and a beautiful relationship can emerge.

4. Daven

The Gemara recounts the following story. There were troublemakers in Rabi Meir’s neighborhood who caused him a great deal of anguish. Rabi Meir davened to Hashem that they should die. Rabi Meir’s wife, Bruriah, challenged her husband and instead suggested that Rabi Meir pray for an end to their transgressions, and not for the demise of the transgressors. Rabi Meir saw that Bruriah was correct, and he prayed for Hashem to have mercy on them, and they repented. (Brachos 10a)

What allowed for this complete metamorphosis? A complete change of heart? How did the sinners do it and how did Rabi Meir do it? Bruriah and Rabi Meir teach us to never give up on anyone and to never, ever, cancel anyone. Yes, there are those who are not like us. However, our job is not to make others think and act like us, but to instead daven that others understand themselves and have the clarity to make good decisions. Believe in those who are different. Believe in Hashem. Believe in the power of prayer. We must do our best and let Hashem do the rest.

Please consider these four approaches as you prepare for Pesach. I am certain that if one or some are considered and implemented, it will be transformative for you and those around you. It can be done. Hatzlachah rabbah! Wishing you and your family a chag kosher v’samei’ach!

Rabbi Moshe Walter is the rav of Woodside Synagogue Ahavas Torah in Silver Spring, Maryland, the executive director of the Vaad HaRabanim of Greater Washington, a popular speaker, and the author of the Making of Halachah, Minhag, Mentsch, and Siddur series published by Feldheim.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1104)