Sometimes, a small, innocent anecdote can paint the picture of an entire society — or a mentality that permeates an entire society — and it is scary. Very scary.

The following true story is one such example.

Reb Yitzchok*, a mesivta rebbi in an out-of-town mesivta, was walking together with a bochur in his shiur, shmoozing about Torah. Reb Yitzchok related a thought from the Chofetz Chaim, who asks rhetorically, “What is the ultimate goal that we are supposed to attain in yeshiva? What should we leave with when it is time for us to leave yeshiva?”

Reb Yitzchok then answered that a person should be overflowing with Torah and yiras Shomayim, but before he could finish explaining, the bochur interjected, “Why? For what?”

Then, without even waiting for an answer, the bochur, apparently thinking that he understood the answer on his own, answered his own question.

My dear readers, listen to the answer, for it contains an entire worldview.

He said, “Oh! So that he can be chal.”

Sometimes, the most powerful words are those spoken innocently, without even a trace of malice. The bochur gave a simple answer and was completely satisfied with the answer he gave. Why? Because that is the world in which he lives.

The Definition of “Chal” and What It Means to Us

Now, for those who are not so proficient in today’s yeshivishe shprach, let me explain what it means “to be chal.” In halachic terms, being chal or a chalos means that there is a practical halachic change or outcome that takes place.

For example, when a man gives a ring to a woman and says, “Harei at mekudeshes…,” in front of kosher witnesses, and she accepts it, the kiddushin is chal. The woman has now attained the status of a married woman.

In the colloquial sense, being “chal” means being relevant. You are somebody. You matter. You have status. And if you are “not chal,” then you are not worthy of being a somebody. You do not matter and you have no status.

What that bochur was saying — so innocently that he himself did not realize that an entire worldview was emerging from his mouth — was that the reason it is important to be overflowing with Torah and yiras Shomayim during one’s yeshiva years is because otherwise you are not relevant. You are not an item. You have no status and no societal worth.

He did not say, “Because that is the purpose of man.” He also did not say, “Because there is no greater way to bring nachas ruach to Hashem.” He did not even say, “So that I will become a talmid chochom who knows Hashem’s Torah and is able to properly fulfill the commandments of the Torah and Hashem, the Nosein HaTorah, Who gave us those laws.”

Nothing Worse Than “Not Being Chal”

He said, “Because otherwise you are not chal. You have no value. You didn’t ‘make it.’”

The implication is that the entire purpose of everything a person does — even the Torah one learns — is to “be chal,” to make it.

Society is sending us a message. It is everywhere. You have to be a somebody. You have to be noticed. You have to make a splash. You have to “be chal,” because, chas veshalom, there is nothing worse than “not being chal.”

Some Painful Questions

In light of this, let us ask some pointed, painful questions:

Why am I wearing a specific type of pants? Because they are comfortable? Because they are nice? Or because if I wear this type of pants, I show that I am the type of person who is “chal”?

Do I really like this kind of outfit, shaitel, or shoes, or am I simply trying to be “chal”?

Why am I driving this car? Because it drives smoothly, suits my needs, is the right price, and I like the way it looks? Or because it is the type of car that makes me “chal”?

Why am I holding my guests hostage? They have taken the time and effort to attend my child’s wedding, and I am making a chupah that lasts nearly an hour, complete with musical interludes and accompaniment. My guests were not looking to attend a concert in the middle of a wedding. They have things to do.

It costs me tens of thousands of extra — sometimes borrowed — dollars that could be better spent elsewhere, but I am doing it anyway. Why? Is it because I want them to be beautifully serenaded, or is it because by making such a chupah, I am “chal”?

Why am I insisting that my son or daughter attend this yeshiva, school, or seminary, even though it really is not a good fit for him or her? Is it because if I do not send them there, I am not “chal”?

Am I really sacrificing my children, whom I love more than anything else, on the molech of being chal? Really?!

The Difference Between Self-Worth, Self-Esteem, and Being “Chal”

The bottom line is that we, as a society, project certain messages to ourselves and our children. One very damaging, false, and untrue message is that there is some kind of intrinsic value in “being chal.”

Yes, having a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem is critical. A human being needs to know and feel that he has intrinsic value, that he has a mission, that Hashem has entrusted him with a shlichus in this world. But being “chal” is the diametric opposite of that concept.

“Being chal” really means that the only value I have is if society thinks I am a “somebody” and if I “made it.”

If there is no picture of me in the paper putting up a mezuzah at the latest business opening or in a new bais medrash, then I am not chal.

I am not even going to go down the path of social media and how being “chal” is the entire tachlis of social media, podcasting, and the like. I hope most readers are not there yet, but make no mistake about it — this culture is permeating our world, our yeshivos, and even the most hallowed places in our lives.

A Tragedy of All Tragedies

For example, as a writer for the Yated, there are people who think that I have some kind of control over what goes into the paper aside from the columns that I write. I have had people call me asking if I could place pictures of them putting up a mezuzah or reciting a brocha under a chupah in the paper.

Of course, I direct them elsewhere and explain that I have no control over such content, but when I hang up, I always shake my head, wondering, “Wasn’t he embarrassed to ask that outright?”

That is my instinctive reaction, followed by the realization that he has no choice.

Yes, it may be embarrassing for him in front of one person — me — but what is the alternative? That he might, chas veshalom, not be chal?

That is the tragedy of all tragedies.

What is a little embarrassment in front of one person if, as a result, he can become “chal” in front of tens of thousands of readers? Is it even a question?

My dear readers, please forgive me if these words sound somewhat cynical. There are writers, like my dear friend and colleague Rabbi Yossi Rosenberg, who know how to communicate these kinds of sensitive points with humor. I was not blessed with that talent, so I simply have to write things in the jarring way in which I see them.

But rabbosai, we have a problem — a real problem.

Understanding the Problem

Are our youth receiving the message that the overarching goal in life is to be chal?

Are they not getting the message that the most important thing in life is to serve Hashem, to help others, or lehachayos ruach shefolim ulehachayos lev nidkaim? Are they not getting the message that the most important tafkid in life is to become the best bochur, husband, wife, father, or mother that I can be?

If the message they are receiving is that the overarching goal in life is to be chal, to be the best in the eyes of others, then we are in trouble. Deep trouble.

If your goals in life are not to bring nachas ruach to Hashem, to serve Him in whatever situation we find ourselves, inside the bais medrash or outside the bais medrash, but rather to “make it,” to attain a certain status, “to be chal,” then we are truly on a terribly wrong and twisted path.

Now, I have no idea how to “reset” this program. The first step is recognizing the magnitude of the problem.

And it is big.

It is chal…