Driving through traffic the other day, I noticed a bumper sticker on the car ahead of me. This is what it said:
It is what it is
UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Plenty of food for thought right there.
“It is what it is” implies a certain resignation or fatalism. Indeed, there are some aspects of life that we cannot control or even alter in the slightest. But there are many other areas where we can and should step in and “do something about it.”
When Hashem created man, He gave him the ability to impact the world He created, in ways both large and small. Both public and private.
Imagine if Thomas Edison had never bothered to do the work necessary to uncover the physical properties of matter that led to the invention of electricity. If Alexander Graham Bell had not taken the trouble to invent the telephone, or Louis Pasteur to figure out a method for pasteurizing milk. If Jonas Salk hadn’t discovered the polio vaccine… You get my drift.
Being a partner in Creation, so to speak, comes with enormous responsibility. Hakadosh Boruch Hu incorporated many secrets into His world, and it’s up to us to hunt for the answers. Not to do so would be to turn our backs on humanity.
It’s not only the physical world that we’re tasked to build. Emotionally and spiritually, we have our work cut out for us as well. There are three relationships bred into the fabric of Creation, and we’re responsible to perfect all three. They are the relationship between man and Hashem, between man and his fellow men, and between man and himself.
Interestingly, these relationships are not monolithic. Rather, they are enmeshed and interdependent. Instead of picturing them as three pillars that stand on their own, imagine them woven together like strands of DNA in the classic double helix.
For example, how I learn to relate to others (specifically, my parents) when I’m young will later find reflection in how I relate to Hashem and to other people. And how I relate to myself mirrors and impacts my relationships with Hashem and my fellows. Let’s take a closer look and see how it works.
In this era of low self-esteem and hester ponim, suppose a parent is harsh and non-affectionate with his son. Would it be any wonder if the child of such a parent grew up fearing rather than loving his heavenly Father? Or even, Heaven forbid, wanting to run away from Him? Children who are raised with warmth and reliability are far more easily able to access their own love for, and trust in, their Creator. They’ll be more open to other people, too.
Similarly, a person who isn’t comfortable in her own skin won’t be comfortable with anyone else. Feeling angry at own deficiencies can lead to our lashing out in anger at others… after which we’re even more angry and disappointed with ourselves… which can lead to distancing ourselves from Hashem out of shame. In other words, every relationship is entangled with every other one. Everything impacts everything else.
It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to be different with others than we are with ourselves, except in the short term if we’re very good actors. Who we are is who we are, whatever the context. It is our job to perfect ourselves and our relationships.
Who we are is who we are. It is what it is… unless we do something about it.
Giant Steps, Baby Steps
Every morning, in our davening, we refer to Hashem as matir assurim—the One who liberates those who are locked up. This can mean that He frees actual prisoners, as well as those whose limbs are locked up. But sometimes we’re locked up in a different way. We’re stuck in habits or patterns of behavior which aren’t good for us. Habits and patterns which hold us back from making the progress we need to make, to fulfill our mission of perfecting that tiny corner of the world that’s ours to perfect: ourselves.
The need to change negative patterns can be manifested in large things, such as marriage, parenthood or integrity in business. The big, important areas of life.
But big things are made up of many, many small things. Getting where we want to go calls for many, many baby steps. Each time we overcome a bad habit or stretch beyond our comfort zone, we take one such step. A small step can help us free ourselves from preconceived notions which may have been holding us back in larger ways as well. Let me give you a small example of what I mean. A trivial illustration that carries a big lesson.
Looking over my bank statement recently, I came across a payment I’d apparently made but had no idea what it was for. The statement’s reference regarding the purchase was cryptic. What was this all about? The sum involved, while not huge, was also not inconsiderable. It occurred to me that I could try to find out what I’d paid for.
Instantly, a reaction set in. First, I reminded myself that “I’m no good with money.” Financial matters had never been either a strong interest or a strong point with me. How in the world could I be expected to do a deep dive into my bank statement and emerge with a coherent answer? Impossible.
Apart from that, there was another longstanding message waiting for me to haul it out: “I’m no good with technology.” In this era of online banking, how was I supposed to untangle this digital enigma? Again, impossible.
And even if it wasn’t strictly impossible, I argued with myself, it also wasn’t all that necessary. After all, b”H we weren’t talking about a sum I couldn’t afford to lose. Anyway, even if I eventually managed to figure out who I’d paid that sum to, there was little likelihood that they’d give it back. No point wasting time and energy, right?
And even if I could successfully handle the problem, I was disinclined to put in the work. There were so many more interesting things to do than dig into some obscure item in my bank statement…
And so, the forces were marshalled against me. Preconceived notions (“I’m not good with money” “I’m not good with technology”), justifications for non-action (“It’s not such a big sum” “I’ll never get the money back anyway”), and sheer inertia, disinterest or plain old laziness all conspired to keep me stuck in my groove.
Somehow, I overcame all of these forces and bestirred myself to do a bit of detective work. When it came to technology, my husband always advised, “Just play around and you’ll figure it out.” I decided to play around on my computer and try to get to the bottom of that mysterious payment.
In the end, it was not so hard at all. With a quick google search and a dashed-off email, I not only tracked down the payee but even had the satisfaction of seeing them refund the payment. Success!
Not a very dramatic episode, I know. But every bit of self-improvement has its ramifications. I’d overcome my inner arguments, a faulty self-image, and my inertia to unlock and free myself from a non-useful pattern. I’d taken a baby step in my relationship with myself.
Who knew if, the next time I found myself stuck in my other relationships, with people and with Hashem, I might not bestir myself in such a way again? And with larger and much more significant results?
The same formula fits them all. From the smallest things to the biggest ones, it is the way it is. Unless you do something about it!