NEW YORK (VINNEWS/Rabbi Yair Hoffman)  There is a question that sits unspoken in far too many homes. A daughter announces an engagement that the family cannot accept. A son walks out of yeshiva into a world his parents spent twenty years trying to keep him from. In short, the child embarks upon a path that the parent tried earnestly to prevent. And the parent is left with a choice as to how to proceed.  Embrace or reject?  Attend the wedding or boycott it?  Walk her down or let strangers do it?

THE KALBA SABUA METHOD

Kalba Savua was among the wealthiest men in Yerushalayim — a man whose storehouses, the Gemara says, could feed the city for years. His daughter looked past that wealth and saw something in a penniless, illiterate shepherd and married him in secret (Kesubos 62b-63a). When her father found out, he swore she would have nothing of his and turned her out. The couple slept on straw, and Akiva picked the stalks from his wife’s hair, while her father — with storehouses that could feed a city — knew where she was and let her freeze.

We all know the ending – that the illiterate shepherd became the great Rabbi Akiva. 

But let’s take a look at the parenting underneath. Kalba Sabua’s love had a price of admission.  It was real love, no one doubts that — but it was conditioned on a daughter who married within the lines he had drawn, who would chose a son-in-law that he could be proud of in the marketplace.

The moment she chose otherwise, the love did not just soften into disappointment; it hardened into a hard-core neder – a vow. He did not just withhold his blessing. He swore a neder that she would derive no benefit from his possessions, and then he enforced it with the full power of his abilities.  

This choice means to let that child sleep on straw, to know that this child huddles in against the walls under second-hand blankets to fend off the cold. To know that the event the child had longed for – for her entire life – that her parents walk her down to the Chuppah will not happen. 

Clearly, Kalba Sabua was a forceful man. And there likely was a collective failure to act –  on the part of others – in the face of an obvious wrong.

What about Mrs. Kalba Sabua?  There is no doubt that she deep inside wanted so much to be there for her daughter. But Kalba Sabua was a powerful man, and she dare not go against him.  Nor would the siblings – even though they surely loved their sister Rachel.  And so we have years and years of what could have been – moments of joy, laughter, brotherhood.  Hinei Ma Tov umah Na’im sheves achim gam Yachad. The door was bolted shut.

The pasuk not only ignored but stepped upon.. Aru, Aru, ad haYesod bah.

THE RAV MEIR CHODOSH METHOD

Now the other side of the coin.

Rav Meir Chodosh, zatzal, in Ohr Meir (p. 151), teaches that a parent must love his children without limit, so completely that his own boundaries dissolve in it. His model is Avraham Avinu.

Avraham Avinu had two sons who could not have been further apart. Yitzchak was Kedusha itself. Yishmael, in his youth, was guilty of the three cardinal sins — avodah zarah, gilui arayos, and shefichus damim — as Rashi explains on “metzachek” (Bereishis 21:9, citing Bereishis Rabbah 53:11). As off-the-derech as a child can go.

When Hashem came to test Avraham with the Akeidah, the Yalkut Shimoni (Lech Lecha, remez 72) records the exchange word by word. Hashem said, “Take your son.” Avraham said, “I have two sons.” “Your only one.” “Each is the only son of his mother.” “The one you love.” And Avraham answered: “I love them both.” Then he asked: “Is there a limit to the compassion in a father’s heart?”

Avraham knew precisely who Yishmael was. He had no illusions about which son had abandoned his ways entirely. And still, when Hashem invited him to name the son he loved, he could not locate the seam where his love for one ended and his love for the other began.

Notice what he did not do. He did not wait for Yishmael to return before loving him. The Gemara in Bava Basra (16b) tells us Yishmael did eventually do teshuvah — but that came after. Avraham’s love did not arrive as a reward for repentance. It came first, while the child was still in his sins. Kalba Savua waited for his daughter’s choice to prove itself worthy. Avraham Avinu waited for nothing.

A child who has strayed already knows he or she has not met the expectations of the parents. But what the child does not know is whether or not there is still a door. Kalba Savua’s door was bolted shut. Avraham Avinu’s heart had no door to bolt, because a heart without walls needs none.

This is not an argument against boundaries. There are times a parent must protect a household, shield younger children, guard the dignity of a home. But there is a difference between a line drawn to keep a child safe and a wall built to make a child pay. Kalba Savua built a wall. At the end, we had a Rebbe Akiva but most parents who build that wall are left without a relationship with their child and grandchildren.

But the worst part is the Chillul Hashem of it all. 

Most people know that the Kalba Sabua method is so destructive.  And when they see the strident efforts to control that which is not controllable – the rejection and boycotting – they are horrified.

And that is perhaps the greatest tragedy and the furthering of the Geulah.  We need to walk in the footsteps of Avrohom Avinu – not reject his mehalech. 

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