You know the feeling. You’re flying high, enjoying life, feeling pretty good about yourself. And then someone says some­thing to shoot you down.

The flying high feeling may be because you’re happy about something specific. It could be be­cause you feel justified in something you did or believe. It could even be a simple matter of being generally content with how you’re running your life. And then someone comes along, aims a gun of criticism, and pulls the trigger to burst your balloon.

You will probably feel bad even if the comment in question was merely an envious or malicious blow with no power behind it. Any negative re­mark can produce an unhappy reaction. But such a reaction doesn’t have to last long. If the negative comment arose from the speaker’s personal bias or neurosis, you can tell yourself that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Or that she clearly has an axe to grind on this subject. Even if you feel temporarily discombobulated, it’s not hard to re­gain your balance and reacquire that high-flying feeling again.

What makes it much worse is if the comment is true.

When a remark with some truth behind it shoots a hole in the balloon of your contentment, it’s a bullet that hurts.

To protect yourself from the hurt, you may still tell yourself that the speaker doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Or that she’s just jeal­ous. Or any of the justifications we use to assure ourselves that we’re still okay. But the little truth meter inside each of us may have a different take on the subject. It will recognize the emes that un­derlies the comment and be unable to argue or wish it away.

An example:

A harried young mother tells herself that her child’s anti-social behavior is normal for a kid his age. So what if he’s a little aggressive now and then? He just needs to grow up a bit. To become more civilized. At this point in time, there’s abso­lutely nothing to worry about, right?

Now, suppose her mother-in-law hears about the little tyke’s latest escapade and is horrified. She doesn’t buy into her daughter-in-law’s rosy spin on the matter. With brutal frankness, she tells our harried young mother that little Yan­kel’s got a serious problem which needs some serious looking into. That most boys his age don’t go around regularly hitting people or breaking their belong­ings. That the hopeful thinking which is helping Yankel’s mother feel good about him and about herself is nothing more than a wishful fantasy.

Boom! The mother-in-law’s aim was right on the mark. The rosy balloon is punctured, and the hapless daughter-in-law is shot down. Devastated.

Another example:

An ambitious young man decides to invest in a project that seems to him highly promising. He does his due dili­gence and feels optimistic about the out­come of his investment… until someone comes along and points out, not without a certain amount of gleeful relish, one or two points that the would-be inves­tor’s “due diligence” overlooked. Points which have the effect of letting the air out of the investor’s balloon and making him feel both foolish and embarrassed.

Sometimes it’s not so much what is said as how it’s said. If a well-meaning mother-in-law wants to help a grand­child onto a better path, there are more productive, not to mention kinder, ways of doing it than figuratively bashing the child’s mother over the head with harsh truths.

Similarly, an unwise financial invest­ment doesn’t reflect badly on the inves­tor if he acted responsibly and in good faith. There’s no need to embellish the facts with your opinion of his ineffec­tuality as an investor. The facts alone, if presented to him in a neutral way, are enough to show him the error of his ways. No need to rub his face in his ig­norance.

It’s the assumption of superiority on the speaker’s part that’s so galling to the recipient. The unspoken message which says, “I know better than you, not because I’m older or have more ex­perience, but because your opinions just aren’t worth much.” That kind of thing can cut like a knife.

If the criticizer is speaking off the top of his head, we can dismiss his remarks. It’s knowing that the facts and opin­ions the speaker presents are true which leads the recipient to so easily swallow the rest of the message. The part that says he or she is basically worthless at whatever is under discussion. The part that leaves them feeling dumb and un­successful and ashamed.

Good Intentions

There are certainly times when a well-meaning push in the right direc­tion is called for. Times when someone has information or a point of view that would be useful or even vital for some­one else to hear. Once we’ve honestly ascertained that our motives are pure and that it’s our job to say something, that’s when we need to get to work fig­uring out exactly how much to say, and how. Not everything that’s on our minds needs to be aired. And nothing needs to be aired harshly!

There’s more. If what we say and how we say it can be bullet-like in their power to smash a person’s self-esteem, when we speak is also important. Timing is everything if we want our well-meant commentary to be received in the spirit in which it’s offered.

The time to express concerns over a grandchild’s aggressive behavior is not when the child’s mother is reeling with exhaustion after the birth of a new baby. It’s not when she’s feeling over­whelmed with worry over her husband’s lost job or a parent’s illness. The speaker needs to bide her time, waiting until the moment is right for the recipient to have open ears and an open heart. After all, the goal is not to drive home a sense of her inferiority as a mother, or her son’s unacceptability as a child. The goal is to identify a problem and then try to solve it in the most efficient and compassion­ate possible way.

That will happen when the harried young mother is feeling at least some­what relaxed, cherished and appreci­ated. In such a context, if raised tactfully and presented lovingly, the topic of her son’s negative behavior will feel like a solvable problem rather than an ego-threatening weapon of destruction.

Ditto for our eager investor. It’s im­portant for a young man starting out to build a marriage, a family, and a career to have a reasonably strong self-image. Shooting him down for making a mis­take will not help him trust his instincts in the future and may hobble his ambi­tions in general. A good friend or wise mentor can use the investment’s failure as a teachable moment.

As we all know, no one ever learned much from being shot down. The goal is to explain things that need to be ex­plained, while leaving the balloon of optimism intact. If that takes more tact and care than you’re used to employing, so be it. The results are worth the effort.

If we believe that we need to say something which we’ve determined someone else really needs to know, let’s spend some time figuring out the best way of dishing out that home truth. A way that will leave the recipient grate­ful and thoughtful rather than bristling and hurt.

It’s human nature to feel a bit supe­rior when we see someone else messing up. In such a case, it’s useful to remem­ber Hillel’s dictum: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others.” We hate to be shot down with unpleasant home truths. Let’s be kind enough to keep the people in our lives—even those who need a gentle nudge now and then—fly­ing high!